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I’m just a little lonely, a little confused, and a little gay
5 years ago · 1 · Need Advice, +5 · Explicit
214
A long time ago I was quite unstable. I didn’t even want to live. I managed to break free with a little help and everything improved. Suddenly, I just couldn’t feel bad. I’d get mad or disapointed but the panic and despair was gone. I eventually took a break from this site since I didn’t feel like writing anything since I didn’t have anything to write about. Well, I’m back.
I’m not sad or in a state of panic, it’s actually something that I’ve never really dealt with before. I’m lonely. Not in a sense of ‘I have no friends’ or ‘I have nobody to talk to,’ it’s that sort of lonely where you know that somewhere out there is your second half, but they’re out there and you’re right here. It’s not painful, it’s just heavy, like carrying a backpack with too many books. It just droops down and pulls your shoulders back.
I had a girlfriend once. She was short and sweet. She liked to sit in my lap as we watched movies together. We’d spend the time before classes together and talk about people we liked or hated. Every day we’d walk outside and share a kiss before she got on the 2:15 bus. I might seem heartbroken, but breaking that off was one of the best decisions of my life. It might have been fun, but we just didn’t match.
I am an optimist. If the glass is only half full, I’ll go get some more water to fill the cup. She was a pessimist. I don’t blame her for that, however. Her left arm was scarred from numerous attempts at her own life, and her humor can only be described as self-depricating. Her parents just didn’t know what they were doing with her. They often called her a disappointment or screamed at her for her ‘sub-par’ grades (B’s and C’s). They tried to get her to break up with me several times, but I did that for them.
I couldn’t handle the pessimism and the self-deprication. After such an improvement to my life she began to drag my mood back down. It didn’t matter that I enjoyed her company, that gloom was always there regardless. I couldn’t keep going. I couldn’t risk going under again, so I ended the relationship.
What I did was unforgivable. I abandoned her when she needed someone like me, but I needed myself as well. I may be optimistic, but I’m too selfish for my own good. As bad as that may have been, however, things got better again. I began to seriously ponder my sexuality and before I knew what had happened, someone new had caught my eye.
I can’t help it. Whenever I think of him my cheeks get red and my heart skips a beat. Whenever we talk I start to stutter and lose my train of thought. When I look at him it’s like he’s the only thing I can see. I’m absolutely head over heels for him. But the next relationship affecting my life wasn’t mine.
I love my sister, despite what it may look like. Sure, she’s blunt and abrasive at times (and I am quite annoying) but we do have meaningful conversations most days. About a week ago, however, she told me something that I thought I’d never hear. One of her friends said that a boy was planning to ask out my little sister! I absolutely lost it and asked her every question I could: what’s his name, what’s he look like, is he right handed, etc. Well, after some pep talks she decided that if said boy would ask her out then she would happily oblige. Then it happened today, and I felt different.
And that, my friends, is where we began. I am now the only single member of my immediate family. It just reminded me of how lonely I feel inside. I know that there’s someone out there willing to love me, but I can’t see them right now. Writing this helped with that heavy sagging feeling but I still have so many questions for myself, like why don’t I just throw caution to the wind and confess to my friend? Why am I so worried that he might not like me just because I’m a guy as well? What would happen if he declined? Could I secretly send him a letter from a ‘secret admirer’ asking if he’d go out with another boy? All these questions are just filling up that sagging weight on my shoulders. I’m doing my best to be optimistic, but optimism is only half the battle. I need solutions, but all I have are questions.
Thank you for actually taking the time to read my huge rant. If you have any advice at all, please do share!! I’m really stuck here because a lot of what could happen is high risk high reward and I’m sort of a wimp >.< I’m really just looking for tips on how to either find out if he’d be into me or to just nut-up and ask him myself. Thanks again.
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