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I broke the one of the purest souls this world has to offer
5 years ago · 0 · Regret, +3 · Explicit
478
As someone who's moved a lot before, I've met way too many people. I can forget their faces, their names, but I can never forget how they made me feel. I remember people based on how I felt around them. Was I tense? Scared? Confident? Loved? It al depended on the person.
Never did think I would meet you one day and I would fall in love with you so deeply. You are my ride or die, you were so giving and loving and by far, the most caring person I've ever met, without a single doubt. You cared for me when I was at my absolute lowest, you made me feel better. Slowly but surely you helped me through every major obstacle I've faced so far. I healed, I got better, I gained confidence, I gained happiness and I never thought I could feel such a high like I did at that time.
Then we fought. It gradually became worse, shitty cell service didn't make it any better; leaving important messages unsent and unread, we spiraled, way beyond control.
I lost my faith and my path, and I did you so wrong. I knew it because every step I took, I genuinely tried to soften the blow. I still loved you, but things seemed so beyond repair at the time, that I lost my sight. I became everything I told myself I would never be. I was falling out of love, as good things never last, so I became weak again, in another sense. I said we needed a break because I was so upset and hurt about our situation at the time, and I needed a release, I needed freedom again, and I needed an easy way out, which I blame on constantly moving from town to town because everything I ever created was left half way done and left in the past, but regardless, my actions and my lack of sensitivity and everything else imaginable, left you in ruins.
I was a dick, I acknowledge it, I know it. I became everything I promised myself I would never become. I used our "break" to sleep with a guy that was using me for a one night stand due to lust. I was also naive. You have to understand that. I thought this guy could genuinely love me in a way that I've loved you and you've loved me, when we were at our best. For that, I am the deepest of sorrys, that anyone could experience. I'm sorry for using my anger and hurt as a gateway to move on so quickly, as I am so used to. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry making you hurt. I'm sorry for breaking your spirit.
I'm genuinely so sorry that I was so selfish and inconsiderate even though after being used in my first relationship, I promised myself to never be so heartless as my ex was. At the time I didn't realize that someone like yourself was so special, so pure and so rare. But I promised you that I've grown, I've acknowledged my mistakes, I've told you the whole truth and that I regreted my actions since the moment it started happening. I didnt realize what I was doing and you never stopped calling me to make sure that I was okay and to wish me a good day, even though we were barely on speaking terms.
I was so cold.
And I am so so so sorry that I have treated you this way. Because we were fighting constantly, a month before this happened, it made it seem so easy to let go like I had done previously with friendships and previous loves. I was SO immensely wrong.
Here I am, trying to keep our fragile relationship going. I've changed, I've promised you. I learn from my mistakes and I've kept them since. I understand trust is difficult to build back, but soon after I ended my mess you gave me a promise ring and we both said that we would start over. You were over the moon, so was I, but as I healed and accepted my mistake and promised myself I would never do it again after almost losing someone who meant the world to me, you started falling into a dark place. It seems like 3 months after, you started belittling me and hurting me and making me cry at least once a week. As soon as we got back together, you were insecure, without a doubt, it was my fault. I was your first love, first kiss, first time and I had betrayed you so easily. I promised you it meant nothing and that I regreted it more than anything else on this world and tried to reassure you that yes, it was completely my fault, I was weak, I was a fool, I was an idiot and anything else to reassure you because even I took your side over mine. Eventually, I thought we got better, almost identically to how we were before my fuck up. We fought over stupid things but nevertheless, we would always make up and that was as honestly my favorite part. As someone whose lost many people before, I felt comfort and safety, knowing that, we got over our biggest obstacle and that anything else from that point on was a minor inconvenience that could easily be solved, which it seemed like we always did.
There were 2 times after our biggest fight, where my anxiety tried to break up with you. You never gave up, and for that I am eternally grateful. Since my childhood I have only been able to confide in two other people, 100% and you being my third, but my most loyal person, you were the first one I would tell anything to.
Now you moved away from me. I'm not sure if you were planning this all along, but now it was your time to want to break up with me. You blamed my previous action for being so cold, for making me cry, for losing your confidence and that you didn't know if our relationship was even worth saving. You said that part of the reason that you stayed with me was because your dying grandma, really liked me and she was anticipating to meet me, so when she did, she really liked me. You said that part of the reason you stayed with me was because I was one of the last good memories and connections that you had with her. I'm not going to lie, I really liked your grandma too, I wish I could have met her sooner. I remember meeting her at her house, and your mom calling your name, but you being so lost in my eyes that even I had to draw your attention to her. I miss that so much. I know I messed up but we got better, and in that time I haven't lost my sight once, I know what I want and I know what I need. I've grown and matured, I can guarantee that I will never be doing that again. Any hurt that you may have caused me is well deserved. Unfortunately, now I feel like I am healing and you are breaking. You want to do drugs, you constantly insult what I stand for and throw subtle jabs at me throughout conversation. You no longer say " i love you aimgel" which is my special nickname from you. You never say that you miss me either. I thought we were getting better. I really did. But when I say that I love you and miss you and genuinely mean it and you reply with ya or ok, I know I really messed up a year ago when all of this happned.
I am truly sorry and I hope to god that you know that, even though you say that you know how sorry I am after I've apologized again and again, that you truly understand my plea and commitment to my word now.
I'm trying to fix what I broke and I don't care if it's at my expense. In all honesty, seeing someone like you flourish as you have before would be an equal benefit. I want nothing other than your happiness and I really wish there was a way I could make up for my mistakes. I really love you JMJ
You were the first person I've truly ever been in love with and I hope we can get better together the way we have for the past 3 years. I truly love you angel, I really do.
I hope there is some way for you to forgive me eventually.
As I said to my friends before any of this would happen, "I feel like we are made for each other and I feel like we will get married some way or another ( if we break up and get back together, stay together or any other possible outcome) I still feel that way angel and even if you hate me to he pits of hell, you will always have a special place in my heart.
ADM
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