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Will I ever be myself again. My whole world turned into darkness once I handed him the reigns. I let him dictate my life I’ll never be the same. I think I deserve more credit for what I’ve actually done for him. I’ve put up with everything he’s said to me. I’ve dealt with the unfairness, and still confronting with it. I’m just a Barbie for him to play with. No friends, no anyone. He’s wanting to take me away across the world and seclude me even more then he already has. Take me out of society completely. I just want friends. I want to be in society again participating in what everyone else is participating in. I want to have fun. I want to feel free. He treats me like I’m a dog with a collar wrapped around my neck. He takes his leash so tightly in his grasp, I’m barely even getting any air to breathe. He makes me feel like I’m nothing. I’m worthless. I haven’t felt loved. I haven’t felt cared for. But I should be used to it by now, right? I’ve dealt with people like him from the moment I was born. There are good aspects to him, but the bad outweighs the good most of the time. He asks, “Why’re you still with me?” To be honest, I don’t know. Is it because I’m too scared to leave? This is what he wanted. To seclude me from all society, and to corner me in a place where I cannot escape from him or his grasp. Even if I did try to leave, I’ll face the cold realization of loneliness by myself. But haven’t I felt that way since he’s taken over? I can’t have him steering the wheel anymore. I want to be in control. I want to be the dictator. Deep down I know I couldn’t do that. I have morales and ethics implemented into my brain. My own mother who has practically disowned me shouted a warning. If I stay with him, I know I’ll end up like her. I don’t want that, I never wanted that. Honestly I never wanted to end up like this. I’ve disappointed myself. I had a facade of a mask of strength when behind it I was weak. I don’t want to need a man to get by, but that’s what I have to do for my own concern. For my own safety. Do I fake everything now? Act like I’m fine when I’m really not? Do I continue to use him for what he can provide while I give him what he wants? The answer should be no. The voice inside my head is screaming leave but physically my body doesn’t move. I’m supposed to be running the opposite way with all of the strength and will that I have inside my heart. I knew I should have when I saw the warning signs. Why did I chose to ignore them? I was greedy. I needed to have love in my life. I chose to let this happen. Why am I so stupid? I can’t leave now. Or can I? No, I’ll be forced to stay by societal standards. From what the ugly spew of shit and piss that the world hurls at women. I can’t survive on my own. What’s wrong with me? It was because of the way I was raised. I was raised to obey, to be weak, to willingly cut my wrists for people like him. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I want to have friends. But to have friends, to have freedom, I have to give up my security. Knowing that a man besides him will never specialize me without facing consequences, that I can be able to go out and not have to look behind my shoulder ever five seconds to be confronted with the harsh snarl and disgusting grin of an old gross horrible thing of a man. I give him my freedom for safety. That’s the price that I have to pay. I’ll have to suffer and bare him however many children he wants with a smile on my face. I’ll have to laugh when he makes crude remarks about my figure to his friends. I’ll smile, be ditzy, and pretend I don’t know anything. I wish I could meet that man that came to me in my dreams. He was French, rich, offered me all of the finer things in life and even in my dream I still willingly chose to be stuck with this situation that I am in. I hope this isn’t permanent. I hope one day I’ll be able to dance in the rain, to scream obscenities at random people pacing by, laying naked in a field filled with daisies without worry of someone taking their dagger and striking it upon my poor and helpless heart. I pray, I sing, I hopefully wish upon every star and that someday I will be able to find my safe haven.
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