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The problem is, I also don't like myself when I'm sober. And it's just as bad, maybe worse, when I'm sober because I can't dull any of the horror. And in case you're wondering, I'm in therapy, I've tried meds (many, many meds), I've been healthy and in shape before but I'm so far out of shape that I can't bring myself to think about trying again, and I'm in my late 30s but feel like I'm going on fucking 60.
I'm not on the brink of picking up a drink or hurting myself, but I'm also in a space where I don't understand why it would be so bad if I did either of those things. I guess the drinking was keeping a lot of this shit in the background (though admittedly I still often felt similarly). I ultimately won't hurt myself because of the pain it would bring to people who don't deserve it. But if I'm gonna hate myself either way, why not do it in a numbed-out state?
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Quitting drinking was the best decision I ever made, but it took me several months after the fact to realize that.
ReplyI'm 3 weeks sober and I just want everything to end. What do I have to look forward to except more of this?
ReplyAllow more time for the brain chemistry to rebalance. I don’t know how heavily you were drinking before or for how long but it takes a little time to physically recover. We don’t have a good sense about what alcohol has been doing to us (“us” meaning people who lose control of it) until we’ve had that initial recovery period. After that comes clarity.
ReplyPlease give yourself time to experience real sobriety. You may need time to actually start feeling again. Alcohol is very good at fooling us into thinking things we should or shouldn't do. Sometimes it takes time for emotional clarity to return. In the meantime find healthy avenues to live, love, and learn. I admire your courage to speak so honestly!
ReplyNothing will change but meds until you face your demons. Why do you hate yourself? What are you numbing from? Yourself?
Everyone has something to build on. Your assets as a person. Find them. give yourself credit as much as you do grief at least. It's only fair. Did you learn to be harsh on yourself somewhere or from someone? Or is it just the American way to be a harsh/hard now?
God knows many of us numb on the weekend or beer 30 and live healthy lives. But alcoholics are a different breed. Body addiction sounds like a *itch. And it jack's with the brain of hard hitters. Especially later in life it seems. Support from a good councilor & doctor I would say.
There is a video by TED talks that talks about sucessful addiction experiments in rats in Canadian research. He looks at addiction in a new way. He also talks about what has been successful in countries with a GREAT deal of addiction problems. Hope you can find the video. I will try to find it & post later. But look up TED talks rats experiment with addiction in Canada.
Take care of yourself
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