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Sometimes I feel like I am the reason that everyone is arguing here. I feel like I am the reason that everyone is always so mad. I feel like if I wasn't here they would all feel so much better and I wouldn't have to worry about my pain anymore. When I am writing I feel just a little bit of relaxation, but lately it hasn't been enough. I have tried listening to music. I have worked out. It feels like the only thing that keeps me afloat has been Xanax. And I don't want to get hooked to it. When I am out, I am out. I can't go to the doctor for any because my parents don't believe in mental illnesses. I have been getting some from a friend. I am confused about maybe liking one of my friends, but liking the same gender would get me killed in the house I am in so I cannot talk to my parents about the way I have been feeling. Plus my parents hate this friend because she has been teaching me how to be the real me. How to stand up for my beliefs. How to fight back when they're beating me up, physically and mentally. I don't know what to do to be honest......
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It sounds like you need serious help. I know its really really scary and hard, but try talking to a school councilor about this. They will be able to get you the necessary help. You need to be completely honest and talk about the abuse and the drug abuse. You will have doctor/patient confidentiality, which means unless you tell them you want to kill yourself, or kill somebody else, the counselor is not allowed to tell your parents what you tell them, but also make sure that is in effect. That would be my advice.
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