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My adult life has lacked a sense of purpose and direction. I went to the college in my state that was the cheapest, and i went to college at all because i was good at school and figured i should. I chose to study arguably the most difficult field one could imagine, and by my senior year realized what i had done to myself. i didn't want a career in this, i just liked the idea of having a career.... so i graduated, went on a european vacation all by myself, and got in an unhealthy codependent relationship with a person 11 years older than me with even less direction. That relationship finally ended when he physically assaulted and threatened to kill me. I'm actually glad that happened, or else i still might be with this person who is not good for me. A few months after that mess i got back in touch with an old friend of mine who i met online years ago. He welcomed me back with open arms. I knew he had feelings for me and i didn't intend to tease him but i also didn't intend to fall in love with him. Now i'm moving in with him, moving across the country in order to do so. I went out there to meet him in person for the first time recently and that pretty much sealed the deal for me.
On one hand it does feel like i'm moving fast and rebounding.... on the other hand i know he is a kind, loving person who i think i would enjoy spending my life with. not to mention i care for him deeply and adore him, and love him not for what he brings to my life but truly as a person. He helps me love myself more, and helps me recognize my value and worth and strengths. I am aware of his flaws- abandonment issues from being adopted, a bit of a snob.... not a great listener sometimes, but i am ready to work with that, plus i can be a bit of a snob too. i'm prepared to have the conversation about his listening skills because i do not want to resent him for that. i already have subtly brought it to his attention and it bothered him, he wants to work on it.
i need this change. i'm living in my hometown full of people i don't mesh with, full of old acquaintances that i feel awkward hitting back up. i need a fresh start, i've wanted to move since i moved back home and again had no direction on where to go.
the best part? everything seems to be working out so smoothly. his apartment lease was expiring just before my visit out there and he was able to move in to a nicer studio apartment down the street which is really a one bedroom. it has two wardrobe closets. our romance was something from a movie. my current apartment lease was super smooth to get out of because of the recent natural disaster that hurt the housing situation in my town. he's flying out here and driving back to his home with me, and timing wise lines up for us to spend the night in a city a lot of his close friends live. my step dad is selling my car for me and might end up giving it to his son therefore just paying me what we agreed upon would be my share (i wanted him to get something from selling it for me, a huge favor). its like the stars are aligning for us. and if the relationship doesn't work out, ill still be in a better place for me and for my future career as a who knows what.
i need to stop ruminating, overthinking, stressing before doing... i need to do something every day. i also need to be true to myself and honest with this man about my overactive thoughts and the intense dread it brings me. i'm pessimistic by default.
i need to stop worrying about being the person i was before. i don't want to go back to that person. i want to be the after. i'm excited to see who i am gonna be in this new life i'm about to start. for the first time in my young adult life, i am excited for the future.
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