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I've been dealing with an anxiety disorder and depression for most of my life now and I'm currently seeing a therapist to treat my anxiety. I want to have the freedom to kill myself at any time because I think it's necessary at some point . So I'm scared to talk about my depression or suicidal thoughts and I don't want to end in a mental facility. They would just get me to lie to myself and tell myself that i'm totally worthy to live and it's fine. The thought that I end up living until I die of natural causes just feels wrong and selfish. That's why I keep quiet about my depression even though my therapist has voiced her concern a few times that I might be depressed when we were talking about my anxiety . I'm still underage so my parents pay for the therapist and I'm very happy and grateful. I don't see my dad a lot because he works abroad. I always tried to be a perfect child because my parents always told me that love is earned and not given for free. And I'm a perfectionist so I was never enough for myself nor for them. I had a lot of friends in elementary school because my parents seemed to be happy that I was popular. I was learning 3 instruments because my parents would give me a hug or sometimes mention me when they were talking to their friends . I was in a competitive sports club because it would make my parents proud. I cried a lot but I would never cry in front of my parents because they would get angry at me . So pretty much anything I did was to please them and not because I liked it . I always felt weird when going to bed and I never knew why. I was confused why I was lying so much but it seemed to make everyone so happy . I was constantly thinking about just stopping with this whole thing and being myself but I felt very pressured and being myself felt wrong so I kept everything to myself. I loved animals because they would never leave me for being me and when I was alone I could just cry in their presence and they would still love me .
When I was around 10 I went to a new school and I really wanted to stop this because I was so exhausted from constantly trying to please everyone . I always was an introvert but I didn't accept this part of me. I got a smaller friend group (all of my friends went to another school so this part was easy) , I still did competitive sports but I only played 2 instruments and I started caring more about what makes me happy. My grades were as good as before but learning was less stressful . My grandma had heart problems when I was around 11 and she had to go to the hospital a lot and my mom would let her frustration and anger out on me. It wasn't extreme behaviour but it would be small things for example she would destroy the stuff I drew for her or scold me for minor mistakes I made like not cleaning my room properly . Then my grandma got very sick again and she died after a year . My teacher for my instrument classes moved to Austria and my best friend got a new best friend . I guess she left me because I wasn't as cheerful as before because of my grandma . But I didn't tell anyone what i was feeling . I was scared everyone would leave me if I did. As a kid I would get punishment if I was showing that I'm sad and now I don't want to bother my mom. Back then I didn't realize my depression had started but the first sign was not feeling anything when the school vacation started. The only feeling I had felt in a year was sadness and just emptiness. I stopped eating and lost 27 pounds in a month . I felt like I lost control over my life and I had to gain it back . I also wanted to make my mother happy again since she called me fat all the time . On top of that I just didn't know what to do with those feelings of emptiness and hunger was at least something you could feel. Noone noticed since I was alone at home a lot of the time and in school I didn't have any close friends anymore . Eventually after like half a year I had to start eating again because my mom seemed to notice my strange behaviour and me losing a lot of weight . I didn't want to concern her.She had a hard time . Since I really needed to feel something I started scratching my arm or burning or cutting myself. I'm very good at hiding all of it and at this point I'm just willing to die without ever telling someone face to face what I feel . My friends leave me when I show weakness or sadness. My parents stop liking me when I don't show that I'm worthy of their love.
That's fine because I can understand where they are all coming from but at this point I can't function like I used to do . Because of my anxiety I'm scared even leaving the house at times. Because of my depression I have a hard time keeping up the faked happiness . It's incredibly hard to do the simplest tasks but I still have to earn the love , get good grades, be popular , be skinny and so on . It's too much and I feel like I'm failing at all of the things I need to do.
When I asked my parents if they could maybe tell me that they love me about once a week they told me I don't do anything for them so they could love me . "I would rather have a different kid than you" "you're being so selfish" . When they tell me stuff like this it really hurts and I don't think i can fix all these problems (aka my whole personality) and become the once perfect child again. I failed as a human being. I'm not born like they want me to be and I can't fake my entire personality forever . I try very hard but it just doesn't seem to work .
And that's the reason why I might be dead in a few years. I feel bad for being born and I feel bad about being such an inconvenience when I die. I saved up enough money for my funeral and I planned out a lot of it but I'm sure someone will care about my death. At least I hope someone will. It's a very comforting yet selfish thought.
Sorry for this super long message I just wanted to get it off my chest. Also I'm not English so I'm sorry if I made a lot of mistakes . Nobody is at fault for my mistakes so I don't want you to think my friends or parents are doing something wrong . I'm the only person at fault for the situation I'm in .
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I want to die. I have dreams of killing myself. I tell my mother all the time im depressed and i want to die. Im not strong enough to help myself and no one is...
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Oh my gosh! I feel like we must be related! I share so much of everything you share! I struggle with anxiety and depression, I have take music for years.... I even go dealt with parent who couldn't tell me they loved me, and fears of talking to my therapist, and thoughts of suicide. My dad worked abroad and my grandmother died too.
I wish I could could express how much you sound like an incredible great person! I speak some other languages, but not to your level with English!
Anyhow, I think it's so great you could talk to your counselor. I did exactly like you, where I was afraid for a bunch of reasons to speak everything to my therapist. I was feeling embarrassed, ashamed, sometimes even struggling with how to express my thoughts and feelings. I think we all deal with our life struggles in our own ways. One thing I found was how I finally started talking openly with my therapist about my life, thoughts, (and most difficult for me) my feelings.
Therapists and counselors know it's not always easy for people to talk. In time I hope you can know that what you share is ok to disclose. It got to the point where I was telling my therapist things I wouldn't tell anyone! It was perfectly fine! Sometimes it felt like really personal. It really helped me because l came to understand sometimes it helped to get things in the open with my therapist. You can relax because most therapists have heard so much. They know from years of training what to expect. What you share may even be routine!
Anyhow, yeah, hope you hang in there. Don't give up hope! It's frustrating because it's sometimes in life we don't live perfect lives--and we and the people around us aren't perfect either!
Take care, and hope you keep sharing! Thank you for expressing so much. I connected to you so much!
ReplyHi. It's me again! I forgot to add I too struggle with an eating disorder and had pets as support. I cried too. I hope you can know you are not alone in this world. I hear your voice, and your love. 🌺
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