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Recently, I’ve been feeling that my friends are leaving me. Drifting away slowly; it’s at a point where I have moments that I can’t even see their backs.
I’ve always known it would happen. After all, all of my previous friends have left me behind before. Or maybe that’s not the right term... they’ve moved on. It happens. I know. But this time I really though it may be different. I’ve felt happier that I’d ever thought possible with this person, these people, who are the same people cause no so much despair within me.
It’s not their fault. I’ve never been the best at making a good mood, I’m annoying more often than not (and although I’m aware when I am, I can’t seem to just shut my mouth), I’m clingy, I’m negative, and I nag too much. Not only that, but I’m unattractive, uncharismatic and much less amazing than either of them. They’re so far ahead of me that it’d be impossible for me to catch up. It’s my own fault, though.
I’ve always somewhat felt this, not as much as I do now, but even when we first became friends. You don’t put any effort into the relationship. You hardly ever start conversations, you never ask me how I’m doing, you don’t take me seriously, and you’re so, so so dismissive. Am I stupid for having cared this long? You always said that I try too hard and care too much. Can’t you see the reason I try so hard and care so much is because you mean everything to me? I try to be there for you no matter what, I give you gifts and compliments because I truly think you deserve them, I give up so much for you because I love you. Maybe I’m selfish, but I think I deserve at least something in return.
These emotions always return. When you smile at me or when you make a joke, I don’t think you understand how much it means to me. It breaks me down and strips me of my worries. You’re my light, my world, my everything. So why do I feel this way? I should be satisfied with the happiness you give me from just existing. But I’m not. Because underneath that joy is just despair and fear of you leaving me. You’re all I have. I’m selfish— now I’m sure. I shouldn’t be expecting love from you because that’s not the kind of person you are. I don’t know anymore.
I sent one of you a letter. I couldn’t write it straight up, since I was too afraid so I wrote it in code. I told you exactly what I’m writing here, about how I’m feeling. I saw that you threw it away. I saw that you gave up trying to read it even though I told you that what it said was very important to me. I’m not mad. Just sad. Do I even matter to you? Even a fraction of what you mean to me? Perhaps I don’t.
More than anything, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being good enough. I’m sorry for being so annoying. I’m sorry for expecting too much from you— since I’m probably just trying too hard. I’m so so sorry.
Despite my negative emotions, I’m proud of you, AKR and GA. A, when we first met you were so shy and reserved but now you are able to get along with everyone you meet. You shine so brightly for everyone to see that it’s no surprise you’ve already made new friends. And G... you’ve always been perfect. Leagues above me. Yet you still stayed behind all this time to be with me. I predicted that you’d leave me eventually; who wouldn’t have? You’re so spectacular that I can’t even comprehend how you actually exist. To both of my friends, thanks for all the happiness you’ve provided for me, I’ll always remember those wonderful years together.
I’ll always love you, no matter if you feel the same. I hope that this is only paranoia and you do actually care. Please, if we do ever completely part ways, don’t forget me. I’ll certainly never forget you.
I honestly didn’t think much about whether or not what I was writing made sense, so if it’s a useless jumble of words I’m sorry....
Yours,
SPR
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Don't spend so much time with people that make you feel annoying, when your presence would be greatly valued elsewhere.
ReplyJust wanted to say, I’m sure you’re not as annoying as you think.
ReplyI agree
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