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I need to get this out of my system. It's been eating me up since 4:00 this morning.
I was stupid, young, and naive. I went to a party I shouldn't have gone to. I was only 15 years old when this happened, so I didn't have all my brain cells working. Of course it was a recipe for trouble, but at the time I looked forward to the party with excitement and adventure.
I committed to myself to be safe. At the party I didn't smoke anything. I didn't drink any alcohol drinks. I didn't try any of the drugs. It's kind of like why did I ever go to this party?
Because I wasn't really a party person--even though I was at the party--I went into a bedroom. With nothing to do I started looking at porn magazines piled on a nightstand.
I kind of just hung out in the bedroom realizing my decision to go to this party wasn't my brightest idea.
But then the weirdest thing happened. Everyone at the party decided to go to a nearby lake, swim in the dark, and party under the stars. It was like this mass exodus, people loading up ice chests of beers and stuff and going off to the lake.
I told my older brother I didn't want to get in a car to go to the lake. People were drunk and on drugs. It wasn't safe. I told my brother I'd just stay in the house until he came back, then we'd go home together.
My older brother was like suit yourself.
So it's like super quiet in the house. I go looking around. No one's there. I feel weird being in a bedroom so I take a handfull of Penthouse magazines and sit on the floor in a hallway. The lighting was good to read there, unlike in the darker living room.
So I know it sounds totally weird but I'm reading these magazines and looking at pictures. I'm thinking this is still pretty cool. I like looking at porn. I'm curious.
This friend of my brother comes in the house. It's just this awkward moment for me because I'd been kinda touching myself. He doesn't say anything about it, just asks where everyone is at. I tell him over at the lake, yada, yada, yada....
I had put the magazines down and kind of pushed them away from me. He goes something like "What are you looking at?"
It was just an awkward uncomfortable moment for me. It's like I am still trying to figure out my own body. I have always been highly sexual. I started masturbating at like four years old. It is something I do daily. I still do it daily. Some girls like dolls. Some girls like playhouses. Some girls like me undress and masturbate every day. So ok. I know I'm a bit extreme on the sex spectrum. I need my daily orgasm(s). (For me I need at least one, sometimes many a day.)
My brother's friend is like don't be shy. We all need sex. Don't feel ashamed.
I don't usually talk about it. I like boys and girls. I am totally lipstick and lace, kind of edgy but also really clean. I usually don't even say a swear word. Quiet book nerd but with a total wild streak. It's not like easy to explain, one minute volunteering helping children, but the next minute out skinnydipping in pool or tanning nude in the sunshine with my friends.
I tell the guy I'm just admiring the beautiful girls in the mags. He finds a photo of a girl in a magazine. It was the weirdest. The nude girl in the photo kinda resembled me in some ways, only I a few years younger.
The guy goes hold on a minute. He goes away. I'm waiting on the floor in the hallway. He starts locking the house doors, even chaining the front door so no one can get in, and putting a pin in a rear sliding door too.
I'm like what's this guy doing?
He comes back over and sits next to me. He starts asking me what girls in the raunchy porn magazines turn me on. What things do I like.
The guy all of a sudden just takes his thing out.
I'm like freaking. Like this is all going toobweird. He had apparently gone and grabbed some KY lubricant cream too. I'm like this is all going strange.
I forgot to mention. This guys there with me is a cop. He has a gun on his ankle. I'm like this is all going strange. I just want to go home.
The cop man is like these pictures are making me horny. Are you [me] getting horny?
I had been horny, but now feeling strange.
The man is like "Why don't you help me out. Suck on it!"
I don't want to be sucking on a cop's penis. I'm only 15 when this happened.
Then he's like "You should take off your clothes. Undress!"
He said it in a way that's not like asking me, but telling me.
"Undress!" he kept saying.
I didn't know what to do. He was sitting and I could see his pistol on his ankle. I was afraid so I obeyed. I took off all my clothes.
The man wanted me to look at the pictures in the magazine. Lots of the photos were with girls with their feet apart and touching themselves.
He put lube on me and told me to start masturbating with him. He's sat there jacking off as I played with myself. He was kind of strange because he just kept watching me. It was creepy. After a long time. I couldn't help it and had an orgasm. It was so completely strange because I assumed for sure that wouldn't happen. I felt embarrassed.
The worst was then he made me do oral sex. I just kept thinking this is one of the strangest nights of my life.
After he was done I put on my clothes. I was in so much shock I went with the man for the next day. We had sex and stuff together. I was just a mental case. If people heard the rest of my life they'd think I am a liar.
This cop who sexually assaulted me later got fired after I turned him in for stealing. The department he worked for wouldn't arrest him for sex with a minor.
It has been months since the detectives grilled me. It was never to get justice. It was only to protect their department and one of their employees. In many states in the USA police officers get protections not given to non-police people. It's called the POBR, the Police Officer Bill of Rights. In my state there are all these laws that protect the officer more than me as a child crime victim. It's just the law.
What the officer did because of me not knowing the laws as a teenager made it so this cop got away with all his crimes on me.
Well, I really don't care anymore.
I'm going to kill myself.
I already have my death knot even tied. I am done with all the struggles and everything. Fuck this world. I'm leaving to go to a happier place.
Goodbye.
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