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Trying to cope.
2 months ago · · depressed, · Explicit
I'm angry. I'm upset. I feel hurt and betrayal. Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep falling for the same thing over and over. Why wont he choose me? Am I not capable of being truly loved by someone? When is it my turn... everything was perfect and now I dont even know if I'll see him again. 3 magical months all comes crashing down in an instant. And only a week after I buried my dad. So here I am grieving 2 losses and I dont know which one plagues me more. Maybe they both go hand and hand. Everyday is a struggle. I dont want to go to work. I feel like the grouchiest person in the world. My son probably thinks I'm the most uninterested mom in the world. It's just so hard for me to separate my feelings from the present. I dont want to feel like this all the time. I'm not going to drink the pain away or take pills to numb it. I just want to find happiness. What is happiness? I cant remember the last time I was happy....except with him. He made everything better. We were going to get married and be a family. He was going to be a father to my son and raise him to be a man in a way that only a strong father figure can. He deserves that. I wish it was still true. Right now I'm just existing. Floating thru the days. Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Just an empty shell. I know this has to be a test. Gods never let me down before. It's just so hard to see the silver lining thru all of this. I want the anxiety, nervousness, knots in my stomach, doubt, feeling worthless and anger to all go away. I'm too young to give up but too broken to move on.
Dad, I know you'll never see this but I'm sorry. I hope I did the right thing and I hope you know I did what I thought was right. I didnt want you to die but your body was tired and I couldnt condemn you to life bedridden and hooked up to machines. I hope you're at peace now with Maw and Paw, Gary & Carolyn...I hope you're not angry with me. Mike misses you too... we all do. It doesn't seem right. It's not fair. I regret not taking more time to help you but you could be so damn stubborn and hard to deal with. I'm sorry we didnt spend the holidays together. I wish I'd known...just like your last birthday. At least you got your cake. I love you and I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me. This has really been a shit year. I'll get thru it somehow. I'm strong enough. I just have to find it again.