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2 months ago · · Depression, · Explicit
God I hate my life. I hate how much I hate myself for being who I am now. I’m weak and lame. I’m fat and not pretty. I can’t even respect myself anymore bc I don’t stand up for myself. I’m so tired of trying so hard for nothing. I always end up no better than I was whenever I do try harder to get it together. I’m trying to be a good mom but I’m not any good at it bc how can I give unconditional love when I haven’t even ever known it. I’m so broken and alone and so sad. I just want to die. I really just want to die quick. I want to not cry. My whole body cries even when I’m trying to be okay. I hate Ben for how he acts towards me. He’s so abusive with his words and controlling with my life. Now he’s not parenting with me as I’m trying to be strict with our mean ass kid. Who thinks I’m mean. Ben is teaching him to disrespect me too. Just like I’m sure he was taught by his sexist racist family. I was done before. I should have left then. But it’s so impossible to give up my son just to get away from him. That’s what I would have to do. I just can’t do it. I don’t want him to be like him. But I’m already loosing. I’ve lost. I’m completely numb and try to suppress and forget and distract. But when you’re alone like me- it’s really hard. I love our house and public life together. I know he could do better but he doesn’t. I know he wants to marry me but I don’t. I don’t want to marry anyone. I guess I have commitment issues bc it scares me to give my life over to him even more than it already is. I think I need to go to therapy. I feel crazy. I don’t even know who I am anymore other than his wife and his mom. Who am I ?? Who would even care if I was gone? I would hope Bentley would care but I know he would fill his head with lies about me and he would hate me as I hate my parents for leaving me. I can get away at work at least and try to be my own person there. I feel rejected tho. Am I being too ambitious or just not pretty or smart enough to matter in the mans industry? I’m always trying to prove myself. I’m so dumb in a common sense way. I can’t see what is right in front of me. I always learn the hard way. I’m so selfish for wanting to be alone. I’m so broken and scared that my life is nothing. That I took a wrong turn a while ago. I’ve got a few regrets and wish I could go back to being a kid again. Start over. Do the exact opposite for myself. No college. Do me. It’s impossible to start over tho so what do I do? What am I supposed to do now? How can I live and be alive with all this? Drugs to work against my depression and anxiety and stress? Drugs to make me imitationally happy and worry free? Get a body lift and be a tough biker chick to feel special again? What do I do?? Or do I keep suppressing and maid to my abuses. Does it even matter?? Am I a bad woman to admit I can’t do it. I can’t woman. I just want to be me with someone who can complete my flaws and not create my flaws. I don’t want to be alone but I’d rather be alone than being who I am now. What do I do? Do I just skip out? What a failure I would be then. I have no where to go anyways. Not much money to live off of without a job. I could work retail or reception management. I could do anything