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It disturbs me now that I am older what adults let happen to me when I was young.
My mom and dad were irresponsible people. My parents were hurting inside. They unfortunately were alcoholics. My mother and father had lots of problems. To call them parents is truly a misnomer.
Sometimes my parents, stepparents, and other adults legally responsible for my health, safety, and general welfare wouldn't care for me. Sometimes they wouldn't even feed me. There were times I'd wander in our neighborhood searching for food to eat in trash dumpsters.
There was one garbage dumpster in my community I found particularly abundant with food discards. I'd excitedly blow off the ants and scrape away the filth. I'd pull away the debris. I'd box up my findings and excitedly bring my old food trash home to save and share with the other members of my family. I'd actually feel gleeful when I found old filthy discarded food in garbage cans.
The same with shoes and clothes. I'd scrounge about in dirty collection bins searching for anything useful. I'd go to school reeking of terrible smells from the unwashed and unsanitary clothes and shoes I wore.
I am so psychologically accustomed that here it is years later and I still can't help myself. I look for things in trash cans and garbage dumpsters whenever I am tossing something away.
I was a very skinny child. One could literally make out the bones under my skin. People said I looked so beautiful.
I have high cheekbones and still have the perfect smile. My teeth are so perfect even dentists tell me my teeth are amazing. They are so straight and unusual. I even still have my wisdom teeth. That's how many teeth show when I smile. I used to have cute little sun freckles on my cheeks and nose. As Ive gotten older my freckles have gradually lightened. People comment and say I have the most beautiful body. Some people actually assume I was some professional photography model. Little do they know.
It now bothers me the things that were permitted to happened to me as a child. My parents gave me alcohol as a child. I can remember drinking alcohol as a kindergartner at four or five years old. My own mother taught me in third grade how to smoke tobacco. At eight years old I was smoking regularly, even blowing smoke rings. Thank goodness I gave up smoking and drinking at ten years old. I had to at the time. I was already an alcoholic in fifth grade.
I remember other disturbing things.
It makes more sense to me now why I am always highly sexual and sensual. I began at extremely young ages always being naked and masturbating. I had a nursery school teacher. At preschool nap time, while my little classmates slept, the man would come over to my little bed. He would remove all my clothes. He would use his fingers in me. He would touch and masturbate me. He would give me orgasms. No wonder I started a lifelong obsession of masturbating every day. I was only three or four years old and already getting sexually assaulted.
That's not all. As I grew older other things also happened. I can remember times of being naked with others in showers, bathtubs, cars, and beds. Everywhere. Sometimes it happened out under the bright warm California sun. I'd be nude.
This happened even when I was 17 years old and older. I'd be sprawled out nude, my body posed sometimes like a porn person. I'd be told to pleasure my body, touch myself or someone else. I'd insert things or even experience a penis in my openings. Even in my butt.
It was just how I lived growing up. It's sometimes how I experienced life. I was raped, beaten, sometimes a child with black eyes and covered in bruises. Sometimes I would be kept naked handcuffed. Other times I would be kept naked as a teenager getting violently choked and strangled. I'd black out and be unconscious. Then I'd be slapped back to life. One policeman when I was naked covered my body with hickeys. He even bit me.
No wonder I am such a psychological mess. No wonder I started attempting suicide at only eight years old. No wonder I think the only things I was ever great at as a child were fucking, eating pussy, sucking cock, and having entertaining sex. Sometimes I wouldn't put on a stitch of clothes for many days.
My parents should have been turned in to Child Protective Services. My mother and father should have been arrested. Even law enforcement failed in their duties. The cops who sexually abused me too should be ashamed of themselves. They too should have been arrested and be in prison.
I was merely a sex toy for too many insensitive uncaring selfish adults.
I'm just grateful today to understand my mother and father never meant to harm me. My parents needed help. They actually needed even love. Unfortunately they are dead now. Unfortunately for them it is too late.
I hope anyone hurting a child can know the terrible destruction they inflict.
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