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Today I need to share something that I've never told anyone, and I want to do it anonymously so I can get it off my chest, so as to not stress myself out even more by telling people who actually know me.
I went into a financial struggle a few years back, and I started asking for donations online to help me get back on my feet. On my birthday I treated myself and spent a small amount of that money I got on food where I took myself out to eat. I had no friends or family, so I was the only one who was able to do it. It's no excuse, but I do know I did it partly because I felt lonely, and also because at the time I felt like it was the right thing to do. Obviously now I'm not so sure about that.
The part I feel most guilty about is that I lied online to the only people that were in my life, as I had no one in real life. I lied and said that a stranger took me out to eat on my birthday, when really I went by myself and treated myself. I still feel guilty about this to this day. I feel that it was wrong to lie, but I also understand why I did it, but I don't want to make excuses for my actions that may be considered to be wrong. I take this on heavily as something I should be ashamed about. That it makes me a bad person because I did it.
I also have a food addiction (binge eating disorder) which causes me to think about food all day long, where it consumes me. I've always had to deal with it on my own. And I break all the time, where I spend money on myself, and make excuses for how it is okay for me to do so because I'm addicted to food. It is what comforts me and makes me feel better. It's especially easy for me to do this on special occassions like a birthday for intance.
I regret this, but I know I'm going to do it again. And really I feel like I need to just forgive myself, but I'm just holding onto all this shame. I don't think I ever will be able to fully be able to have this self-compassion for myself. That there will always be this underlying hatred for the way I am and what I've done.
I guess this is all I will share for now. If you're reading this, and you felt the same way, or done something similar, I hope you won't think of me as a bad person. I hope that you can have empathy for me. I don't want you to hate yourself either.
All my love to you. Will try harder. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
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