What are you looking for?
7 months ago · · divorce, · Explicit
This is going to be very difficult for me to write, and I will probably write in a scattered way, so please forgive me for I do not mean to. My therapist says writing will help me and even though I have used up 3 notebooks there is more to tell. This writing will be graphic so again, I apologize. If there is anyone who has been through or is now going through it, please seek help. I suggest family however I found no solace within my family and sometimes you won't and this is why I contacted the House of Ruth who finally validated my fears and let me know that I indeed was a victim. So were my children who are each in therapy. This will be long and explicit as it is the only way to get my story across and make others aware of abusive partners and Intimate Partner Violence.
You see I met my ex- husband when I was 14, he was 18. Oh the joy of teen rebellion and young love. The Devil may care attitude. Some blame my dad and mom who were divorced in the late seventies , so my mom raised my brother and I. Anyway I meet this boy through one of his family members. He's not very attractive nor was he like the other boys who lived in my block, he lived in the next block up. So we get together and all is well in the beginning.
It started out with little bits here and there, no acting like a little girl, no twirling the baton and let's spend all the time in the world together. I started losing friends then family members stopped interacting with me. When I lost contact and time with my grandmother, that hurt the most. I was young and in love. Then the arguments began.. No hanging out with male friends, no pool anymore and no more being super friendly to anyone who isn't him. Everytime I committed an infraction he would cut off the affection and say mean things to me, accuse me and yell.
I remember when a friend of his passed, we went to the viewing and later that night he said the girls there were right;" The prettiest thing about you are your eyes". He also stated that I would never find anyone who loved me like him.
You know years later I told others about the eyes comment and you know what they said? Especially my boyfriend? Yes, your eyes are the prettiest things about you, but you are beautiful and gorgeous. My eyes are just the "package" that finalize my beauty and they are amazing these people said. My boyfriend thinks that maybe these girls meant that I am pretty and that my eyes are the most prettiest thing about me and my ex was mad because they complimented me. For years many would comment about my eyes and I never believed them as I thought it was always a pick up line. After our second and final separation, my neighbor ( a female) was mad that I believed I was ugly and did all she could to build me up and gave me confidence. It worked.
Anyone who knows my ex insists that he knew how pretty I am and he feared that I could be taken from him. For many years he burned into my head that I was ugly and un-loveable, that no one would want a washed up woman like me. I look at older pictures of us and see a beautiful woman who was with a man that was bald and overweight and malicious in nature.
We separated in 2001. I could not take the running around, the lies and dis respect anymore so after 20 years I blew a gasket, that is the only way I can explain it. Years of being used and treated like a nobody, I snapped and had an affair of my own. Wrong I know. To this day I am ashamed of that behavior and who I was then. I was always the good girl that was submissive and pleasing. I was the mom that lived for her kids. I hated cheating and the other woman, I swore I would never be like them. Here I was having an affair with a 20 year old, lost my mind and did not want to cope with life. It was hard on my kids but I made sure they were with me and if they were with him, I spent days in our home but at night stayed at my mom's home. Eventually all 3 of my kids were with me. Oh how I tried to protect them from their father's mad behavior and cruel words. He blamed my affair on his behavior. NOPE>
It was the fact that another showed interest in me and found me attractive. My ex was finally threatened after all these years.
My affair was off and on for 10 months and in between that time my ex ran from our kids, wholly emotionally destroyed our son and daily came by my mom's ( and job) to call me horrible names. Not to mention running away from our son, taking them to my mom's and just leaving them there. All I asked was for time to cope with what I had done and why I did it but my ex would not leave me be. He threw my belongings out and decided I was a cheating whore who deserved to lose everything.
I thought, this man who cheated in our relationship, let his friends tease and humiliate me and let his family treat me like dirt, had the audacity to play the victim! All I put up with. The days/nights at a bar, the running around and attempting to go out with a girl ( who was brought to our apartment ) by a friend when I was pregnant in 1988, the list goes on , yet the " we weren't married" bit was his answer.
When my ex found about the affair he was the typical wronged husband, crying and yelling which is to be expected but it was the other things he did that stick in my head. One is the calling anyone who would listen that I cheated on him, the second, well that I was told was the first sexual assault. He cried and begged me to have sex with him. I could not because of what I had done and I could not rationalize what I had done and my mother, sister and our 3 kids were downstairs. He got closer to me and begged for sex, I kept crying and saying no but as he got closer he knocked me on the bed and was on top of me to which I am now thumping him on the back. He knew I would not yell or let our kids know what was going on.....
I could not push him off of me and cried the whole time. This is why I left my home. It only got worse. The name calling, harassment and the offers to give me money to have sex with him. Eventually ( late December) all of my kids are with me at my moms. He had now met a woman that he brought to our home and admitted that they had sex. I was not seeing the guy and was honestly trying to work on a resolution so that we could fix our marriage.
Let's see... He hated that I worked, he hated my family and would everyday throw this girl or that one in my face. Oh how he loved to brag about his women in November and December 2001. I thought why is he trying to hurt me? I did not care. You lost your mind, sleeping around and all the while calling me nasty names. Yes, I deserved some of the treatment, but not being raped or talked to and about like I was a whore off the streets. My children did not deserve his wrath either.
He tormented me so bad , at my moms, at my job and all the while bragging about the cheating he did throughout our relationship. The girl in 1988? Same chick he and his friends slept with on a regular basis, a girl who was his weapon anytime we fought.
In January 2002 he moves a girl in our home that has 3 girls, one who was accused of arson that took the life of a young boy. This is when I told my kids that they have to move with me and they agreed as the situation at home was beyond crazy and their dad accused them of stealing whatever this girl or her kids lost. Her kids also were allowed to take over their rooms and belongings. Yet he was still doing mean things to get me to want to come home. Nope.
Fast forward to July 2002, when we got back together. I believe it was my son who begged me to take his daddy back. The sadness and tears broke my heart.
I figured that he wasn't that much of a father but he did act right when we were together ( with our kids) and maybe if we got back together he would love his son again. So we talked , worked on some things and reunited.
We move out of the area shortly after our daughter was born, new place, new start. That worked well until I was pregnant with our next daughter. We had 2 older kids, 2 girls and a boy and now were awaiting a new baby. His attitude changed and he was acting different again, especially after our daughter was born. The many visits to our neighbors, who had a 19 yo daughter that he was speaking of regularly , that was pissing me off. Between having 3 bigger kids, a 2 yo and a new baby I was at my wits end and lost it, plus he quit his job for another that kept him away longer than the last job. I snapped. What does he do? Calls the police who forced me out or I would be arrested. He cries and says let me go instead!
There is too much to write! I will skip to 2015, the year it ended. By now we have 6 kids, another son. That pregnancy and his behavior is another story. In early 2015 my ex finally gave up on working ( he claims anxiety ) and is home all day, everyday. His vice was the computer. I found out that he was talking to his ex girlfriend form 2002 among other females from his past. I asked him for a divorce. His response was that they contacted him, he was happy and did I really want to put our kids through a nasty trial and possible foster care? Foster care was his weapon, even with our 3 older children.
I stayed. I worked on more patience, more freedom and to be a better wife who adored her man. He was always on the computer and when he discovered porn sites, it was over. Not just ordinary porn, but violent porn, in particular a certain sex act on a woman. Let me back track.. He was always obsessed with sex, the many kinds and no matter where or when. Let's see.. Living room , kitchen and basement.. It did not matter. Not even the time in 89 when we had sex at our table where the teen boys could see us. Over the years I became more apprehensive regarding sex and it felt like a duty. There never really was any attraction or lust. we just were.
So he pulls me to his lap to watch these videos and I pull away. Many times he would ask to do this one act, or he wanted to watch me please myself. I noticed a change in his demeanor and glazed over eyes. A sinister look if you will. I'm just going to get it over with. One night while I was lying in bed, every thing came flooding in my head.
The pushy sex, the begging and especially the pressured act on him while I still had stitches in my gums. The sex on the couch during the day, so many things. Fear came over me and I knew I needed an escape. Sadly my escape was on my own and one hell of a war. So in late April I am in the bathroom, he come sin as I am about to lock the door. He gets close and I feel panic because I know what is about to happen. He coaxes me into the shower and wants me to open my legs so he can do this act on me. I say no, the kids are awake, to which he replies that they won't hear. I am so in fear right now but do as he asks. I am crying harder and still saying no and stop. He uses his whole hand and it feels like my insides are splitting. I close my eyes, begging for it to be over and still telling him it hurts and to stop. The whole time this happening he is telling me it is okay and good job, you can do it.
He is actually encouraging me! When it is over, I go to clean up but he places me on the sink and enters me. I am not here, I am somewhere else, praying for my life to end. When he is done I clean up, get dressed and run downstairs. We did not have sex anymore. He begged, threatened and cried, but no more. Many times he would follow me around and lock us in a room, pleading and begging for me to show him my breasts, pull out his penis and ask me to please him, let him brush my hair or dress me. I had a total break down. I actually feared he would violently rape me or harm me. He was that gone and violent. He abused our kids physically and verbally and his behavior had gotten ten times worse. I would bang on the walls to get our neighbors attention, she was aware of his moods as she witnessed many of his episodes . I actually feared him. I did eventually call an officer out, told him it all and about the rape. Same as in 2001, " M'am you are married, there is nothing we can do". Yes, I had both officers investigated... Over the years there were social workers and doctors who witnessed his behavior and violent ways. In the end our former doctor messaged me and letting me know that yes, I ( we all were ) victims of domestic violence.
I called many and asked why there was no help. Most said that it seemed I did not want intervention and was happy. I said they all should be fired because none of them recognized we were victims and needed help. We had nowhere to go, not many women's shelters that had space. Many said I should just leave. Go where? How ? It is not as easy as many claim it to be.
In the end, after 2 weeks of being chased, yelled and cussed at and stalked in my sleep, I called his niece. I told her to come get him now because one of us is either going to jail, death row, the hospital or the morgue. That was the 2nd week in May 2015. Many thought I would go back. I did not. It was hell but I finally somewhat freed myself and my children, have my divorce and my children.
No one understood why I snapped. Many knew and kept me sane. I still think of what he did to me and after our final separation ( and to our kids) but those thoughts no longer control me or put fear in me. He has tried many times but I showed no fear or reaction.
He raped me twice, forced me into acts but in the end, he did not win. I won. I moved on and met someone who is patient, loving and adores me. He built me up and gave me confidence.
Please know the signs. Please get help. I was broken and now I fly.