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Ugh I am having some doubt in myself right now. I recently started online dating using Match and Bumble. I've used Bumble before, but hadn't really ever had much luck. I have a rather blank dating history, for several reasons..all of which are not great to talk about when you first get to know someone. I had self-esteem issues in high school, and was very insecure in my appearance. I had orthodontic surgery which totally changed my appearance going into college. It took a while for me to get used to this and build confidence. I was homeschooled and Catholic, both circles were not very open to the idea of dating. I went on a casual date in college which didn't go anywhere, and also fell in love with my best friend who was already dating a girl. We ended up getting too close, and things got complicated. We semi-dated after they broke up, but I ended it after it caused me way too much anxiety.
A little while after college I went on a few dates with a guy-we ended up just being friends. Almost a year and a half later I have moved across the country, and changed my views from Catholic to Agnostic. I am working and living with extended family. I am struggling because I feel like I'm naive and innocent. I'm still a virgin at almost 24. I don't know how guys will react to that, and I also don't know how comfortable I am with having sex. It scares me because I'm scared of rejection. What if someone finds me disgusting?
As if all these worries weren't enough, I lost my brother to suicide 6 months ago. I've been grieving and seeing a counselor regularly. I felt like I was ready to date, but last night I was having a casual text conversation and the subject of siblings came up. I just cried because I forgot he was gone for a moment.
I've gone on one date so far this time around. The first, the guy seemed nice, but I could tell he was rebounding from a relationship and just seemed like he was just looking for a physical connection. I had been talking to another guy for a week, and we had really nice conversation, but when we set up the date he never showed. I was really confused why he would even agree if he wasn't planning on going. I have two other dates set up for the end of the week, but I'm not sure if I should even go. The guys seem nice enough, but I'm questioning if I'm ready. I just want to make a genuine connection. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
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Sex is a little disgusting. That's part of the fun if you're doing it right. If everyone is turned on, you can do no wrong. Don't be afraid to be bold
ReplyI'll call myself C.
The important thing to realize if you're ready is a lot of self realization, knowing what you are looking for and being honest with yourself on if you are settling or not relationship wise, that part is the easiest (Yet not easy by any means, it had taken me years to soul search on what i wanted.)
As for how to deal with the grief you find yourself stricken with, lets start with a small lesson. As you surely know grief can be classified in five things, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Understand there is NO correct order these go in and you can jump from one to the other in any point in time, and just when you think you're at permanent acceptance, you can jump to depression again in an instant.
The important thing is to realize when you feel these emotions coming on, and in order to be ready to date when dealing with grief you need to properly channel them and not shove them down, they will come up with that significant other or ever manifest as anxiety and depression later on.
My biggest advice for grief is, and as it may be cliche, take a chair, and sit in it while going over these problems in your mind. Think about it, truly disect what you're feeling. Stop wishing for the pain to stop but accept and embrace it. "I am sad, but this will pass. I am allowed to feel sad, so at one point in my life, i can feel happy."
In time, as you come to do this, you won't try to escape from this pain, but embrace it. As my own counselor once said, "It's like a bad smell in the room. You sit in it, you really fucking hate it at one point, but then you get used to the smell. The smell isn't bad, and its not its fault that it smells bad to you, but it is your duty to not ignore it, but come to accept it for as it is. A bad smell that will go with time."
I hope this helps, and i'll be on this page more if you wish to talk.
ReplyYou deserve a guy who respects your boundaries and does what you are comfortable with, so I don't think you should feel pressured to have sex or anything. In my opinion, saving sex until the right man comes along is the best thing. You are not disgusting and any one who thinks you are....well, they are not the person to date so, get away! As for relationships, starting one right now may be hard for you just because you are dealing with a lot of things. I am so sorry that you lost your brother, that is heartbreaking thing to happen. I think it sounds like you may need some time to get through that sadness, and that is absolutely ok. Take your time, date when it feels right to you. Right now, since you are questioning yourself, I am not 100% sure of this, but it makes me believe you don't really feel too comfortable with the idea of dating at the moment. Which, it's fine. Maybe right now you can focus on making good friend relationships. Hey, you never know, you might even wind up dating one of those friends eventually. Good luck. :)
ReplyFrom what I read I also don't think you are comfortable with dating at the moment so you should probably wait until you are ready to date. There is really no rush, even if someone tells you otherwise. I believe that you should confront your grief and not try to shove it down as has been previously stated. If you are wanting a strong relationship, the best thing you can do is figure your self out first. That will probably make things easier in the long wrong, for you and your partner. I know I am restating things, but those are the most important. (Also if anyone finds you gross, yeet them out of your life, but honestly the chance of that is so low because when someone is in the mood most people are very accepting.)
ReplyFirst off, I am very sorry that you lost your brother. Thank you for sharing your story about that, even if it was brief. This does provide some insight to your worries, but I will admit that my heart broke when I saw that.
I think that your feelings to dating are valid. I am not an expert on this, because I have never dated anybody. At all. But it is right to wonder if you want to date, because not everybody is ready and they should have all the time necessary to figure it out. I think that you might need some more time to think about it, or dating may help to make you figure that out? These two options seem alright to me, but you shouldn't be restricted by any means. Hope this helped a bit.
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