What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I'm on meds. Have been on an off since I was 22, I'm 28 now. It's okay, I guess. It works, if I take it every day. The withdrawal is a bitch though. If I forget to take them a couple days in a row or a few times a week, I'm a mess. I dissociate, I give "irritable" a while new meaning, I cry for no reason, I get headaches, brain shivers, dizziness, nausea. And I want to hit things. Throw glass. Break things. I snap at people. Assertiveness becomes aggression, and I can't trust myself around others. I need to be alone, and being alone is what I hate the most. Normally I need to be outside every day, especially when the weather starts getting better. I make plans, and then suddenly have to cancel because I realize if I go out, I could lash out. Being cramped up inside makes me even more irritable, but I can't trust myself outside. I'm just grateful I'm not working right now. I need to get better before I move. I need to find work soon. I can't be like this.
Sometimes, the thought of violence feels so goddamn liberating, so I just stay inside. Like I'm trapped inside and full of all this pent up energy and anger, and it's all I can do to keep myself from slamming my fist into the wall.
I bit myself the other day, twice. I was so mad over nothing that all I could do was be violent and I couldn't let myself be violent, so I bit into the top of my hand until I wasn't angry anymore. This isn't unusual when I'm in this state. It works, gets the anger out, and keeps me from hitting something, making noise, breaking something.
I want to be free of this fucking addiction. That's all it is. Whatever the fuck is wrong with me without them, it has to be better than this fucking trap. But it isn't. That's why I was given the prescription in the first place. And it works so well when I'm
To anyone who reads this and has some snarky response about taking prescription meds or wants to tell me to just use some essential oils and do some yoga, fuck off. Be grateful you can't say that shit to my face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Immediately after taking the one pill I left behind at a friends, I feel calm. As soon as I saw the bottle I felt better. That's an addiction. I remember using that word to describe my relationship with my meds to someone before and she snapped at me, like she was offended I'd ever think such a thing about a doctor-prescribed medication. That's what it is though. It's not heroine, but it's something like it. I've never used illegal drugs but these withdrawals, and the immediate emotional improvement whether it's a placebo effect or not, it all sounds like addiction territory. It takes longer than five fucking minutes to feel the effects of an antidepressant, but it is a relief to have taken it.
Jesus fucking christ. I wish it was as easy as just doing some yoga in the woods.
Comments have been disabled by the author
More Posts
-
Just so tired
I’ve dealt with it for years. I have these anxiety attacks that feel like heart attacks with this unimaginable pain in my chest and the need to puke. I’ve s...
-
Guilty Pills
I always think i dont need a therapist when im "happy". but i am really not happy i am just barely content and think i got it all under control. I sto...