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Last night I drove by myself
alone for the first time in a month.
I walked out the door
Heart pounding out of my chest
Settled, yet uncertain
Numb, yet determined.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to come back alive.
I wasn’t sure if my roommates would ever notice I was gone.
I wasn’t sure if it would be quick and painless
Or if I would feel it all and suffer.
I wasn’t sure if it would even work.
I wasn’t sure if I would ever see this exact view again:
The barely lit parking lot at 9:00 pm
Sorority girls squealing and cars everywhere
Some moving, some stationary.
The faint sound of a dog barking
From the second-floor window.
Thank god it wasn’t my dog
Because maybe then I would’ve changed my mind.
So, what did make me change my mind?
Was it that she finally noticed?
That she checked in once she realized
I was gone without any other living being with me.
How scary of a place to be where
You can only drive when
Another living being is with you.
Because you have the power to take your own life
But you can’t bear the thought of taking another’s.
I’m not sure what saved me last night.
Maybe it my lack of strength
Maybe it was the thought that I could possibly survive
and the idea of paying to fix my car was too much.
Maybe it was because she checked on me.
My god, I am so glad she checked on me.
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