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I always wonder where is all started. I have a fairly normal home life, with it's bumps, but I am well cared for. I have friends, good friends, and yet I have never truly opened up to them. To anyone. Maybe that's where it all started. I don't know how to open up. I don't know how to trust. To be clear, self harm consists of many symptoms. These range from (most of which I do) cutting, burning, nonlethal overdose, excessive drinking, binging, reckless behaviour, and many others. Now it's not only physically harming my body that I feel worse about. It's the social reputation I bring upon myself. The one sleeping around, drinking till she can't remember, being abused because because she is too numb to stop it. The one whose "crush" believes she is stupid and childish. Because she is. These actions, despite having a mostly happy life, do not simply go away. They become addictive. They become your coping mechanism for the feelings that you don't want to feel. The nights you spend in another's bed, because the one you like can't see through. I begin to think that no-one knows the real me, because she simply does not exist. Self harm is me.
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Honestly, the same happens to me and I know how hard it can be to not have someone to relate to you at an emotional level. In 2017 I met this girl who really, was the only one who knew the real me. And she was the only who I can say really truly listened to me entirely while everyone blew me off, not being able to return the favor when I gave them my ears. It's just sad how she left and I couldn't keep her. Only then I truly felt lonely. Now, we as humans crave for connection, love, relativity, we crave for someone to know us and care for us just as much as we care for them. But right now I'm still in the situation in where I feel, I KNOW, that no-one truly knows or at least gave me their ears. Somehow they always turn around the subject to themselves. It's loathing and killing but all I can say to you is...just open up. And I know it's fucking hard, cause that's what I'm trying to do myself every day.
ReplyThank you
Replyi know!! i still be in that too. try to something new. try to be lost in another city or even cross another continents to find your way. try to different local citizen to talk with. travelling a lot or teaching to South Asia. I did that last year. just get lost to Bali, Indonesia i just felt so much serene, calm and joy too. i wish i could come back to there anymore. you must try it dude. try to get lost from your own home :) meet new people :) good luck
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