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My Unsent Letter
3 months ago · · Dumped, · Explicit
I'm doing surprisingly better than you think. I know you expect me to be in my bed all day doing nothing but cry and feel sad. It hasn't been like that at all because I don't allow myself to stay home so that I could avoid that. The truth is I am sad and I do feel like crying but I don't. You don't even deserve that and as much as I want to hate you I simply cannot. I know you cared but I needed you to love me for this to work. I don't even think you know what love is. Throughout our relationship I was both miserable and happy just like you, except I never stopped trying to make this work. I knew you grew tired of driving an hour once a week to spend time with me and I stopped being worth it because you were bored. I don't understand how that could be enough to leave someone unless you no longer loved them anymore. You told me there was no spark anymore and that broke my heart. Did you know that you're the reason why I stopped texting you as much and why I was always sad when we hung out. I felt it in my heart that something was off. I was hurt because the only person I wanted to be loved by didn't love me back. I was ready to sacrifice my relationship with everyone in my life for you. I wanted to marry you and have kids with you. You stopped loving me this whole I was thinking about our future. Why did you beg to meet me and promised you wouldn't hurt me if I have given you the chance. I gave you everything I could offer and I know it wasn't a lot but damn it you were fucking flawed as well and I still loved you. You really made me feel worthless and broken when you were the one who had the most baggage. You're a fucking addict and I was choosing to be with you knowing I was going to go through hell trying to help you, knowing I was losing and deserved more. You made me feel bad for not going to school when you couldn't even complete one of your two classes... you actually dropped a class and lied to me about it the whole time. You also had a part time job and made less money than me and thought you were better because you could drive and had a car. You say that I wasn't the person you fell in love with and you weren't either but I still wanted you more than anything. You talked of girls and described them as hot to me and didn't care if that hurt my feelings or not. The part where I had to draw the line is where you told me you still were thinking about your ex. I felt my heart sank to my stomach and you couldn't even look me in the eye like a coward you broke my heart. You knew I was serious about us and that I wanted you to be the love of my life, my first and last, my everything. Now I see you that even if we worked those things you had against me we were never going to be happy. I'm sad because I miss you and although you don't deserve nothing from me I still love you but I will allow you in my life again. You had your chance to be loved by someone who would've given you everything. I'm not sorry I couldn't afford to take us out more and have more fun like you wanted to. You knew I wanted to save my money and seemed supportive of that. I'm not sorry for not learning how to drive or buying a car just so I can drive to you. Why? because you didn't deserve me at my best. Had I owned a car my love would've be shown to you in more ways that you could've ever loved me. I'm not sorry I didn't do it for you. I'm sorry for myself because I was allowing you to control my life so much. You were toxic energy in my life just because I wasn't a better person with you. I experienced you and my life didn't change for the better. You were just someone I spent some good and bad times with. I grew to love you more easily because you were my first and I was naive so you took advantage of that. Fuck you. I didn't love myself more when I was with you and I was so stressed and unhappy. Knowing I will never have to deal with your baggage makes me feel a whole lot better. I never judged you based off your past and I should've. I should've been concerned that I was dating a felon addicted to getting high/drunk but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm no where near perfect. I know to you its the worst thing ever to date a 21 year old college dropout who has no car and only works a part time job. I'll have you know that I can drive now and I have a full time job ALONG with my part time job. I did all this within 2 weeks. I applied myself and accomplished everything you wanted me to do. I now know that you're not here to witness this because you didn't deserve me at my best and you didn't deserve to enjoy this. Now with you out the picture I can finally redirect my focus on me and be the person I deserve to be for ME. I also plan to go to school next fall and discover myself there. Also, remember you were being a dick because I didn't go to the gym and worked out so I can look better? Well I took your advice and I plan on being smoking hot. You're actually right that I could look better. Imagine being this good looking and knowing you could look better? the possibilities are endless. Anyways I just wanted to let you know you're a bitch ass piece of shit and although I'm mourning our relationship now, future me is already so happy and thanking you for breaking us off because I might've never done it myself. I was blinded by love and my heart was too pure to have ever done such a cruel thing. I needed this so on behalf of my future I will thank you for that and that alone. All the other things you did for me well that's on you because you chose to be with me even though you didn't love so if you were going to use me you had to pay for it somehow and you're welcome you ungrateful twat. Sucks you couldn't recognize real when you had it in front of you. I have a lot of things to say to you but I feel this was the most important so without further adieu, fuck you.
Worst Regards, Rebecca