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You were meant to be my person. My friend, my partner, my support. You told me you would be, you told me you loved me.... You lied.
I lived a life full of broken promises and empty words, painful betrayal and broken trust because of you.
I believed in you when I should of believed in myself. You put me down and called me crazy, I was delusional and pathetic as soon as I started to crumble. Your words hurt and stuck in my mind and I started to believe them.
I looked to you for strength when I should of looked within. You are not strong, you made me feel weak and helpless when you are the weak one. You chose to not get help, you chose to be violent and agressive and take you problems out on everyone else and rationalize your actions by what people had done to you, that's not strength, not to me. Now I know better.
I made the mistake of being loyal to someone who doesn't know what the word means. You cheated, you lied, you betrayed, you never had my corner, you cared only for yourself, you are selfish.
After years of pain my heart became cold and the veil lifted. I saw your true colours and I was finally ready to leave. Free from you, free to find myself again, to build myself up, to heal. You threatened me but I was done, you tried blackmail and I stayed strong because you are not the man I wanted you to be and I know i am worth more. It hurt to let you go, it was not easy and it scared me. But you are poison.
The reminders of your rage are disappearing from my house, the things you said you would fix and replace but of course never did. Soon my house will be my home again, the safehaven I needed and longed for. I will never have to feel your hand around my throat, your breath on my face, the rage in your voice or the fear I carried with me.
My heart and my head will take longer to heal, I thought I was broken beyond repair or mental as you put it, I felt lost and alone a shell of a person and I didn't know who I was anymore. but now I know I was just hiding, fearful of what could happen next, of the next painful blow to my already weakened state.
Since you have been gone im doing better, I am not okay, but better.
At first i was sad and lonely, i felt like my heart was breaking and i wanted to give up, but i didnt and it passed.
then the anger came and the questions... Why would you do all this? how could you do all this? why didnt i leave sooner? why did i love you? Why didn't you love me? How could you hurt me? I couldnt get answers to these questions and i felt lost, and it past.
Then the pain finally hit, the years of torment, lies, abuse, rage. I felt everything like it had just happened, it was overwhelming and felt like i couldnt breath, my chest was tight and my head pounded, it felt like death, and then it past
I know you dont feel remorse, ill be another one of your crazy ex's that wronged you, ill be the bad guy in the stories you tell, youll drag my name through the mud and turn everyone you can against me and that's okay because I know better.
know this though.
You did not break me, I will survive,I will fight, I will heal and I will be amazing.
you didn't deserve my love, trust and loyalty but I do
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Your words are beautiful!! I'm so sorry for what you went through, and so happy for how far you've come!
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ReplyThank you both, one if the harder things I had to accept was I am never going to be able to express these feelings to him, and if I did I had to accept the fact he would not care. It was a nice feeling to be able to write this letter and not just leave it sat there. Being able to send it out into the world feels like closure and like I could finally have my say
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