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I'm a childish coward
3 months ago · · Suicide,
Hi, I'm thirteen years old and I want to kill myself. Today. Reason? My mother gave birth to my first younger sibling today. I've been really depressed about it.
My parents have been divorced for about 8 years now, which leaves them to want new relationships. I'm not exactly worried about my father getting married to someone else (as he got a family at an ild age and probably doesn't want to spend the rest of his life alone), but I am worried about my mother getting married. She's had some boyfriends in the past, all nice guys, but I can't stand the image of my mother being with soneone else.
A few years ago, when I was 9 years old, I got depression; my parents were fighting for custody over me and older brother. Both of my parents have done illegal things (which I'm not going to go deep into) but my father has done the most. They are illegal immigrants and have helped eachother with many things to have an almost stable and safe lifestyle for us. My mother cares for me and my brother and she decided not to bring up all of the illegal things my dad has done in the past to prevent him getting arrested and getting sent bback to their country. With my dad owning a house, and putting everything out there that my mother did, he won custody over us. Well, I don't exactly know what happened, but me and my brother can still see our mother whenever we want and we can go anywhere with her.
While the court was investigating which household was safer for my and my brother, I was forced to live with my dad and brother (I was living with my mother for a few months up till that point) and it made me feel really depressed that I couldn't live with my mother anymore. At this point in time, I was cutting myself (well...more like scratching the back of my hand until the tissues were really damaged) in front of my friends and alone hoping I could get someone's attention and feel like they cared about me. It did happen.
I was in 5th grade and I was "cutting" myself during lunch, and that's when two of my close friends told the teacher and I got sent to the social worker in my school. I broke down. I felt so embarrassed crying in front of a person I would be seeing weekly (which I knew shouldn't be the case). After the school contacted my parents about what was going on, I was taken to see a lot of social workers; I stopped cutting myself after that. Funny...I like to remember this moment where one of them asked me why I had stopped cutting myself, I simply replied, "because I don't want to you guys anymore." It still makes me laugh to this say.
Anyway...a few years pass, I was 11. My mom had been hanging out with her supervisor a lot. She told me she liked him. I was like okay, until she hung out with him pretty much everyday. I hate him. He has a tendency to show off his money (not rich or wealthy but a little more than the average immigrant), and I don't know...feel jealous...I guess? His whole family practically gets whatever they want. I remember that Christmas, he invited my mother, my brother, and I to his house to open presents. He has a big family with each person getting atleast 15 presents. We had to stand there for two hours, looking at others getting a lot of presents. We didn't get anything from them that whole time we were there. My and my brother got four presents each (mostly clothes) that year.
This supervisor guy? He got my mother pregnant 9 months ago (prior to today). THEY WERE NEVER EVEN DATING! After my mother told him, he said he didn't care. He's the type of person that gets mad whenever someone says he did something wrong. His family is afraid of him, and with no one standing up to him, he does whatever he wants; he did just that with my mother.
The day my mother told me she was pregnant, I asked her why shd got pregnant (yes I know they had the smex but I wanted to know the real reason), and she told me she wanted another child. That hurt me. Yes, I can live with her (I said I don't know exactly what happened in court), but I wanted to live with my dad because I think it is better for me. I wanted to live with my mother, I still do, but the time I lived with her, I was so depressed and lonely because even though me and my brother are very close, we actually don't really talk to eachother. We're each in our rooms doing our own things, but I love him and that connection we didn't have while we were living apart was broken and I felt so lonely with my mom working during the day and I was home alone with no one else. I still don't think I can live somewhere without my brother, until he moves for uni in two years.
The point of the paragraph above was that I have reasons for not living with her. And the thing that happened is that she got linely and wanted to have smeone with her for a long time...a baby. She wanted another child. If I had known she wanted another child because of loneliness, I would have moved in with her to ease that lonliness. The fact that there is someone else more important in her life right now and who will be with her until she dies is very...it makes me feel devastated. I was the youngest. I was the one getting attention.
I think that's what I have...jealousy. I'm jealous that she'll (the baby) get more presents than me. A richer family than me. More attention than me. With all of the things happening in my family, I had become depressed, and overtime, I went from a very energetic person to a rather silent person. My personality and appearance drive people away (I have a resting biXch face) and I've just been getting less attention than I was getting when I was younger. Less attention from the mother I don't live with, and that's what I want. Attention. Most of my day outside of school is spent alone...in my room. I want attention, I want company. I'm so lonely!
Today, now that my mother gave birth to a younger sister, I will be getting less attention and will now just be the fat older sister that no one wants to talk to.
I talked to my best friends about what I'm feeling, but they just dissed me for hating my younger sister. Like I know I shouldn't hate my sibling. I know I should be someone she will look up to someday. I know she didn't have the choice of being brought to this world. Their words made me realise I'm very childish and I'm a coward. Their words, even though I know they're true, made me feel like I have no one on my side who will comfort me, and my self-esteem lowered.
I know the response everyone will give me if I tell them.
"Why are you hating your baby sister?"
"You know she'll be there when you'll need it, why don't you do the same?"
"You're being childish, just deal with it."
And these responses are what makes me feel bad about myself. I agree that I shouldn't feel this way. She'll help me when I'll need it. But I can't accept it.
I've done a lot of things in my life. Gotten awards for either grades, extra curriculams, and me specialty...art. I've done all of these things to get attention, to make up for the times no one asks about that sad girl that doesn't want to talk to anyone. That's pretty much my only mmotivation for school.
I know I'm being very childish. I'm a coward for not getting attention. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way towards a new born child, but I can't help but to. This is why I want to kill myself. Why should I live if I'm just an attention whXre? I know people will miss me if I do, of course I know that. But if I kill myself, they'll know how much I was hurting under the fake smiles at school, under the good grades, under the contest-winning paintings, under the face of the girl with the best academic grades.
Killing myself will end all of this pain I have. Of course I'm not an idiot, I know it's a permanent solution to a temperary problem, but I don't even have any hopes for my future. All I do is lock myself in my room and watch all things K-Pop. I have good grades and some hobbies but I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I want to find that special someone but I'm worrie that, me being myself, will lose the person I could potentially spend the rest of my life with.
I know I should talk to a professional about my situation but I feel everyone will just tell me I'm being a childish brat and I should just deal with it. That's why I can't talk to people about it, I know what they're going to say. I want to kill myself, but I also want to live the dream life I want, but I know I should stop dreaming and think about reality.
My mother wants someone to be with her, I couldn't be there for her.
I just realized how long this truly is. I almost cried while typing but I didn't (I'm at my record for the longest time I haven't cried 4 months 12 days, I know, what a crybaby). If you made it to the end, you have my respect. You read though the meaningless things I have to say.
Not relevant, but I have to promote; BTS, GWSN, and ONEUS are what is making me feel happier about everyday life. Today is the happiest yet saddest day; BTS's BOY WITH LUV came out today but my younger sister was born today. Please listen to the group's I metioned above.
I'm not the best at expressing my emotions. I'm definitely not going to kill myself today, but I've been wanting to. I'm sorry for wasting your time.