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If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
My brother has a disibility, so that basically means I must be better at him than everything. That’s my mom’s mindset. My dad has always been out of the picture since he divorced my mom. I’m one of the only gay kids at my school so no one talks to me, but when they do, they just call me a loser and fag. My friends moved away in elementary school, so I’ve relied on books to get me by. When I was younger, students weren’t allowed in the library at lunch. I’d take books outside to read, and the kids would throw food on them or pour their juice all over it. Now that I can go to the library at my school whenever I like, I skip lunch and read or do work. Since the fifth grade, I’ve sliced my arms and waist with razors. My mom noticed years ago, but hasn’t done anything. At my school, kids either get straight A’s or fail. I have a 92% in history. I’m going to fail. I can’t do anything right. I want to die. How am I supposed to come back from this? I hid a bottle of some of my stronger anxiety medication in my room. I want to use it. People say that this shit isn’t the answer, but it’s what I deserve. No one will notice.
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You're mom cares. She will be crushed. Your brother will be crushed. They don't want to lose you. You're going to turn out fine.. actually, MORE than fine. Those who have the toughest experiences in life become the most resilient. Do you know what resilience is? Look it up. THAT'S YOU! Keep being a great brother and son. They need you. ❤️
ReplyBelieve me, people will notice. Often the most influential people in our lives are those who seem to be background noise, who seem to not play the most major roles because they are the bass line to our melody. If you feel unsupported by your family, look to teachers or mentors. It's cheesy but some of the best people in this world are those who teach and can help you truly feel supported. Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb: your friends are often stronger allies than your family.
To first address to cuts, it will seem easier to continue than to stop. I know this very well, and have been a first-hand victim of it. But the thing is, all the razor does it hurt. It breaks your skin and you bleed and you have to face either the scars or the wounds forever. And so instead of hurting, place the energy into something that wouldn't make you hurt, like finding a new piece of music to listen to, or drawing, or reaching out to an old friend or new acquaintance. The energy it takes to hurt is better placed in positive things. Because in the end, all scars will heal if you give them the time to.
Before you think about suicide, ask yourself a few quick questions: Have I eaten today? Have I had a good rest in the past two days? Have a had a glass of water? Am I in a clear state of mind?
Because if you said no to any of those questions, you can't seriously consider making any grave decisions, particularly the ones that could lead to suicide. Consider some positive actions you could make that would help you shift into a more clear frame of mind and then consider the choices that you could make to fix things that way heavily on your mind.
Lastly, there is no such thing as straight A's or failing. Black and white thinking only ends with exaggerations and anxiety. I know that I got a B last year in calc and it sucked. Really REALLY sucked. But you know what? Life moves on. Because I got that B, I now have an amazing tutor and we are really good friends. A 92 is FAR from failing. You ultimately will find that As are good but the learning is better.
Good luck in school and good luck in general. You are already going so strong, you can do ANYTHING. Just remember, summer is in 2 months. You got this.
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