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I’m sure im not the only one who feels like they just simply suck at love and relationships in general. Sure i’m not always the nicest person in the world either, i make mistakes too. But i don’t feel like i deserved the things that happened to me. Just to give you a look into my love history: i got my first boyfriend when i was 15 and in highschool. I felt like we were a match made in heaven and that we were going to be together forever. (Yeah i’m a real sucker like that when it comes to love). I’m either all in or all out, no in between. Everything was great until after a couple of months into the relationship. (Now im going go to into explicit details for my relationships to give you the complete context). Ok so after a few months i started to notice that he was becoming extremely dominant and controlling. He once even got mad at me for giving my dog attention instead of him. (Which is absurd if you realize that we were together at school all day long and than after dinner we’d spend time together. Basically almost 24/7. I had to put up with alot of mindgames and psychological manipulation from him. Which sometimes drove me crazy. We reached a stage in the relationship where i think the mindcontrolling wasnt enough for him anymore. And he would start to grab me by my throat and almost strangle me. This became not so much a regular occurance but it happened enough to remember it. And crazy things like this kept happening. One day he apparantly (while i wasnt looking) secretly took naked pictures of me and threatened to put them on the internet if i didn’t do what he wanted. He was obsessed with sex and never had enough. I think it is this relationship that made me a pleaser in relationships and do things for people i dont really wanna do, but i do it anyway to avoid fights/discussions and problems. And it’s become a toxic behaviour of mine, which affects me probably more than i realize. I actually held out up to a year with this guy before i.could finally cut the ties and move on. I feel like this relationship set me up for many many more failed ones and more in the future. Talking about it now, i dont hate him. It’s a very long time ago (7 years). And i’m not one to hold a grudge for too long. The one i had after this was pretty normal, nice guy overall. But the way he dumped me and without any reason hurt me badly, mostly because it was all so sudden and i didnt expected it. My 3rd relationship was with a guy who i actually wasn’t really that close with, neither was he with me. When i spend time with him he would mostly be on his phone 90% of the time and i always felt something was different with this relationship. He would spend time everyday with his best friend and see me sometimes only once a week because he didn’t wanna make the time for me. I always felt disconnected towards him. Needless to say it only took about 4 months to break up with him and after that being his bootycall for about half a year (yeah even i see the irony in that one lol). Right, 4rd one. He was really special to me, i had been madly in love with him for about 2 years. He was my best friend, but he was always in this relationship with a girl so i never made a move or anything and never told him how i felt about him. So i hadn’t seen him in a very long time (1 year), and he suddenly contacted me to hang out. Turns out he broke up with his girl for about thesame amount of time. And i was extatic that he texted me. We spend more and more time together and pretty soon got into a relationship (he asked me) and i was in heaven. Really i was soo happy. Than after 4 months i get a text out if nowhere. And i really mean out of nowhere. Usually you feel something is wrong but with this one i really didnt. He texted me that he really didnt care for me that much and that he never loved me or had any feelings for me. While during the relationship he always talked about living together, marriage and kids. So i was completely stunned. I called him about a hundred times but he wouldn’t answer me and told me not to go to his house because he wasn’t home anyway. and that was it. I felt horribly rejected and depressed for months. my 5th and last relationship (which ended about 6 months ago). I met this guy at the job i started at at that time. We fell in love and got into a relationship. Things weren’t perfect from the start, we worked together which would be very difficult sometimes when you’re in a fight together and you have to stay professional. He was 14,5 years older than me, had a child with a woman whom he stil lived together with as “friends” or so i thought. And he had enormous debts. I was way over my head with this one and i knew it would be difficult but i needed to try. After 1,5 year of an extremely tumultuous time, a true rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. A love/hate relationship, i broke up with him. I found out through a colleague of mine (he didnt work at thesame place anymore) that he had been unfaithfull to me since day 1. Lying to me like a pathological liar would, cheating on me with his ex, using me for money that he needed. And even living together with his ex, once for 2 months straight. Now i know why he always wanted to know if we would hang out that day. So he’d have time to go to his apartment and wait for me there.... i know this was an extremely long post, and if you’ve even made it this far, thanks for listening. I believe some people just aren’t meant to have good high-functioning relationships. And i’m one of them.
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