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I feel like I can't talk to my bestfriend about anything.
3 months ago · · Stress,
I've had a best friend since I was little, she is a great person, sweet, funny, athletic, and responsible. The only thing is, I feel like she doesn't get me. It's probably because I'm the one changing, to me she's the same wide-eyed and feisty yet restrained girl she always has been. I've been sad a lot lately, even more so frustrated, and I'm ashamed to admit that I've been taking it out a lot on her. Not so much these past few weeks, but it definitely has happened, whether or not she thought I was joking.
That's one thing too, were never on the same wavelength. We try to joke around and be sarcastic, but we just can't. I know it sounds like it's not a big deal, but it does make a big difference.
She can tell when I get into a mood and will ask me if I'm okay, I'll tell her no, and she'll tell me to stop being sad or upset because I'm making her sad or upset. OF COURSE, I don't want to, but when she says that it makes me feel like I don't have a right to my own feelings. I know she means well, it's not like saying that is inherently negative or disheartening, it's her VOICE. The way she says it, I can hear no empathy or even sympathy. This doesn't mean she doesn't feel it, of course, everyone has their own way but... it just makes me feel worse. I wish she would just tell me "It's okay, I hope you're okay" Maybe I should just ask her to respond a certain way? It's not her fault she doesn't really know how to react, especially since I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time.
I don't know, sometimes I feel much more open about talking to a lot less acquainted friends than her. I guess it's not bad, but, worrisome? I can't talk to my own bff? Maybe she's not my bff anymore? People grow apart, and I'm okay with growing apart with her, but... idk what to do.
We have the same friend group so it's not like I could just stop talking to her for a while to mull it over. Sometimes I don't feel like hanging out with any of them. I love them all soo much, but I need someone to talk to, really. I know one girl, but I haven't spoken to her in so long and dumping my feelings on her knowing that she goes through so much in her own life is just cruel and wrong, the same as seeking someone out just to pour out your feelings. Again, I do know some people I could vent to, but I never rally speak to them, I don't know them, they just seem nice, telling them my whole schpeel isnt a good idea.
Not even that, I don't want to tell anybody EVERYTHING. Just that I'm not very alright. That I've been feeling low lately, despite being so grateful for all my blessings, SOMETHING is bringing me down. I have a rough idea of what it is, but I can't place it. It's always there, in the back of my mind, buzzing, rippling, quaking. I'm afraid.
I WANT TO TELL SOMEONE IM AFRAID
Im so so so afraid.
I want someone to tell me it will be okay, to look me in the eyes and tell me. My family tells me something like it all the time, and I'm eternally grateful, it does help, but I just can't really tell them either. I tell them a lot about my feelings, but I never get into it beyond "Im sad, im happy, im upset"
I dont even know whats wrong. MAybe i do, but dont want to admit it.
I dont even know what Im afraid of. Maybe Im afraid of me, myself
Theres a lot I want to talk about, real things, but it is a lot. A lot I sont know who to give to but God. Maybe that's the only one i should really talk to? God knows that running this around in my head wasn't doing much good.