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Eating disorder, recovery, and learning what the fuck is actually going on
5 years ago · 0 · Stress, +7 · Explicit
538
This isn’t meant to scare anybody. It’s just my story and stuff I’ve studied and tried to understand. Eating disorders are a bitch. They make you feel like they know everything and they are right and your whole life evolves around them. I have struggled with a eating disorder my whole life and I’ve never had a normal relationship with food at all. My eating goes in phases..so I have my binge eating phase which I lose all control and gain a ton of weight in a short period of time and then I gave my starvation phase where my brain just refuses to put anything in my body. This goes back and forth usually which each phase lasting a few months to a few years. I’m a 6 foot tall 28 year old lady lol and I’ve been 90 pounds and also 250 pounds. My healthy weight has to be between 140-180 pounds and anything under or over that is considered unhealthy. Most doctors don’t give a fuck when you’re having your out of control binge phase and will literally tell you do just stop eating so much. I wish I fucking could thanks. The only times I’ve ever been forced into inpatient is when I was below 130 pounds and thats been 6 times. I’ve been inpatient therapy for 2 years now and I’m starting to accept myself more and my brain is starting to let go of the intense stress and pain of this whole thing. Of course it is still a daily reminder and struggle, but I have so much more control now and I can actually enjoy things more. Now I wanna say something though and as I said its not meant to scare anybody who has any ED problems. My metabolism is fucked now....I’ve relapsed binging and straving a couple times in my therapy and my body didn’t move at all and I remember I had this moment of panic because it was almost like my body saying “No! NO MORE!” and I talked about it to my therapists and they said that that happens. Your metabolism/body just fucks up and it takes a while for it to go back to normal and sometimes it never goes back to normal. You always will have to work on it and honestly at an active 170 pounds now I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve been, but I know that ED voice is still there and still insecure and still wanting control....because thats what eating disorders are about....it’s about control and perfectionism...it’s about insecurity. A lot of people think eating disorders is just about food and it’s not at all.....it’s all about control and when you can’t control your life or abuse or mental health or whatever...than you try to control something and thats it. The ED voice is one hell of a manipulator, but even with my intense fear of the anxiety and depression that followed any mistake my ED said I did......I realized something....I realized what this whole thing meant and when I realized what this whole thing meant...I didn’t just worked on my ED...I worked on everything else too....because it’s not just about the ED...it’s about why the ED is happening and what can we change in our lifes that make us feel safer....because our ED tells us it’s making us safe, but it’s lying to us....it’s always lying.
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