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Make it stop..
My mind - like an ocean.
Full of life; Never sleeping,
Yet on the outside it seems so calm most days.
Anxiety has no face.
You have no idea what I face everyday.
Sometimes the days pass by and I don't even notice, yet sometimes they drag and I wish I could push them along.
Please, make it stop..
The endless worrying over nothing.
What if I say something stupid?
I don't have any clean socks!
Did I forget deodorant?
What if I mess up?
Did I lock my car door?
I can't pay my bills.
I'm going nowhere in life.
Did I feed my cat?
I've wasted so much time doing nothing.
I'm so tired and I haven't done anything.
I'm never going to reach my goals.
Did I turn off the bathroom light?
Did I lock my apartment door?
Make it stop!
I shake and shiver like I'm freezing but I feel like I'm melting.
My heart rate constantly rising and falling with each terrifying thought.
Am I breathing?
Stop this, someone is going to notice and think you're crazy!
Small voices in my head constantly telling me to do better, and still others telling me to calm down and focus because we can't let anyone see the internal struggle.
They won't understand.
Pull yourself together!
You're such an idiot!
They'll never hire you.
You'll never make it in Med School.
Make it stop!!
I can't remember the last time I slept all night.
Constantly exhausted..
No energy..
I can't focus on what's important.
I workout so it seems like I'm being g productive when in reality I just need to keep my body moving so I don't panic.
At work I'm so neat and I like everything perfect, but in the parking lot sits my car, a garbage can on wheels with a nice paint job.
Ten minutes away is my home in which on any given day at least two rooms are never ready for company.
I'm a fake.
My co-workers think I have it all together but I'm really just one minor inconvenience away from a room in a mental hospital.
You're insane.
No one likes you.
All you do is complain and you give too much information to anyone who will listen.
No one cares about your problems because they have their own.
You don't have any real friends.
They just feel sorry for you.
I just want to sleep...
So I try yoga, hot baths, essential oils, tea, deep breathing, ASMR videos and soundtracks, white noise, turning the temperature down...
I'm too afraid to try sleeping pills because I have an addictive personality..
Nothing. Works.
I'm still awake.
In the middle of the night.
Please....make it stop..
I don't want to think anymore.
I don't want to stare blankly at the ceiling in my dark room.
I don't want to listen to myself breathe in the silence of my apartment alone.
I want to dream again.
I want to wake up energized and not in pain.
I want to be happy...to start a new day ready for whatever comes my way.
I want to live life...not be dragged through it..
Make it stop! Please...
I want to rest..
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Talk to somebody. You would be surprised how we all suffer alone with our fear.
ReplyI have. And I know I'm not alone. But I still struggle even with people I can talk to. And writing my feelings helps.
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