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I made a mistake
1 year ago · · Depression, · Explicit
I made a mistake and am paying for it with every breath.
I self-loathe. I self-harm. I fill my head with poisonous thoughts until it consumes my entire being. I shouldn't - I know. And I've been doing so so SO well for a long time now to keep those negative thoughts at bay, and to love myself.
But I made a mistake. A friend (let's call her Person A) confided in my something about my best friend, someone i consider my soulmate - something not so great. As well as some other people. I was so shocked and confused and scared. I didn't know what to do and I felt so conflicted on if I should say anything, so I ended up keeping that information to myself. Eventually I spilt the beans to my best friend - and she was chill at first, which settled me greatly. Then - I don't even know how long later - she exploded at me. I couldn't get through all of her messages. I was accused of doing things I never did, I was sworn at, I was chewed the hell out. Turns out she wasn't so chill with the information after all, but I had no idea and she made NO indication that she was upset with me. So I freaked out and apologised countless times and felt so damned shitty at myself for what I had done.
It was stupid of me to think that the truth wouldn't get out one way or another. Such is life, right?
And that isn't even the worst part. Gosh I wish that were it. My bestie and I made up - but she ended up telling some more people and they all started talking smack about Person A for the things she had said about them. But from what they were saying, it looks like information was misinterpreted - they thought she hated them, but she didn't. And people screenshotted what they had said and sent it to Person A. Who did she end up questioning about how this information came out?
Me, of course.
My stupid self who shouldn't have said anything in the first place because I'm such an idiot. There's hurt on so many sides now, and I'm nobody's favourite person at the moment.
Which is totally fair considering I started this entire mess.
I ended up doing some things that were not so great. I fell back into a spiral, and self-harmed for the first time in months. I feel so sick because I had been trying so hard not to - I heard running cold water or rubbing an ice-cube on your skin is a good alternative, and I tried that. It worked yesterday, but not today.
I've just been beating myself up over this and I STILL feel like I deserve more. I tried to reach out to Person A but they were having none of it. I can't believe I've ruined our friendship.
If only I had kept my mouth shut.
But if I had... I KNOW my bestie would have been angry with me if the truth ever came out, and the last thing I want is for her to get angry when she deals with so much already in her every day life. And she scares me when she's angry, cause I just don't know what she's going to do or say. I know I've also had my fair share of temper tantrums, but I've been working so hard on self-improvement. I wonder if she even notices that, or if she still thinks I'm ready to argue at every little thing. I think she thinks I'm still so angry, like I used to be, but I'm not. I was pissed off at her a little for exposing me but at the end of the day, it's not really her fault anyway. It's mine. I had made such a huge step in feeling good about myself and was so proud of myself but now it feels like all that hard work went to waste.
I don't think I can fix this but if you think there is any hope for me, please let me know. I don't have anyone else to turn to...