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ungratefulness at its finest
5 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
Love. What is love? How does it feel? I don't know. I'm supposed to love my family, and I do care about them, so yeah it must be love. Summing up, the only people I love in this world are the only people I am being a bitch to. Generally, when I'm with friends, I'm the chill one. Easy-going. Hate fighting. Bringing balance to the group.
When i'm with my parents tho, I turn to an ungrateful aggressive moron. And the ironic thing is that they are the only people that have never hurt me, they've always been there for me, love me unconditionally. But no I can't appreciate that. Cause it's always has been there for me to consume, their love. I'm the devil. I make them miserable with my actions. And they still love me.
Lately, I've been feeling angry with my mum. Like super angry. I talk to her in the worst way. I recently said to her: ''i know your my mum and i'm supposed to love you but you annoy me i dont like you'', ''just because i dont like you as a person doesn't mean i'm still going through puberty you know, i just dont like you''. And she always tries to talk to me, ask me what she's doing wrong, if I want her gone. She actually believes I hate her. And I can't sit and talk to her. I don't like sharing my feelings so I just ignore her.
The truth is if she dies, I want to die too. I cannot imagine my life without her. I still feel imature. I'm 20 and I'm not ready to lose her. And maybe that's why I'm angry. Because I know that soon my parents will die, since they're old, and I'll have noone to ask for help. And I'm being mean so I won't be so sad when they leave. Does it make sense? No. I dont know, I just can't change my attidute, it comes naturally. It's like a defense mechanism to the negative thoughts in my head.