What are you looking for?
is it really worth it
1 year ago · · Need Advice, · Explicit
After graduating high school, I went to uni abroad. First few days were pretty stressful. Moving to another country before even turning 18, not knowing anyone, english being my second language, I was scared. Luckily, in the first few weeks of living in the student accomodation I had made friends. Turned out it was so easy. So first year passed, I passed as well (first year of uni). It was one of my favourite years. I really connected with a group of people and we became best friends. Had some amazing times, so much fun.
So, second year we decided to rent a house and live together. I got a job in the first few months, adapted easily in the job environment. Made friends there as well. After-work drinks, fun staff days, etc. I'm not gonna lie, it was extremely stressful as a job. It was my first real job, with real responsibilities. The first time I felt like an adult. Independent.
Unfortunately, I do have some issues with eating disorders, so at times that holds me back from living my life.
So by the end of second year, a year full of cozy nights in as well as fun nights out, I was left with all the amazing memories I had made with my friends, as well as the awful memories I had with myself. Since this year was kind of stressful, working full-time, trying to make it to uni, living with bulimia... I failed my second year. Returning back home for the summer and admitting to my parents for the first time that I was a full-on bulimic, they suggested I should stay in my home country, do therapy, and not worry about uni for a year, since I hadn't passed anyways.
That leads us to this year, September 2018, nostalgia hitting hard. The depression kicked in when I realised what a dumb decision I had made. All of my friends were back at a new house, and I was the only one missing. I lost the chance to finish my course while having amazing people that I love around me. And obviously, the bulimia did not stop. Staying home did not help at all. Therapy doesn't do anything for me either.
So spending this year pretty much doing nothing, staying at home, watching movies, bingeing and purging, feeling sorry for myself, I decided to apply for uni 2019. At least there I had a life. I was active. Despite the bulimia, i could be productive and happy.
So, by this time I will be 21. So I'm worried about starting again. New start. All over again. I had a pretty good life and I left it. Time to rebuild a different one. Well, that stresses me out. I'll be older than most of the students. I'll be living with 18 year olds in the student accomodation. And what if the fucking disorder follows me there? The point was to get rid of it so I can live a beautiful life. But I really don't see that happening. It's been stuck with me for about 6 years.
Anyway, now I'm getting stressed about the new start. Am I too old to go to uni? Is it not even worth it if I don't recover? Should I just stay at home, kill myself? Living a life with bulimia, is it even worth making it fun? if most nights you end up alone, vomiting, hating yourself. Is it worth living that kind of life?