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Hey Hailey,
You've been stuck in my mind for the past 3 years and I hate it. I hate that you're such a driving force in my life despite the fact that I haven't talked to you in so long (Nothing meaningful like we used to at least). I hate that you flaunt your boyfriend on social media, seemingly knowing that I could've had you. That as scary as it is that could've been me. I hate how we used to stay up late during school nights and talk about our problems, and how we used to ease each other. I hate that I was so intimidated by your wealth that I never thought we could be anything more.
I know that love is more than money and dates, but when you would come to school with your new Iphone, camera, airpods and your new dyed hair I would shrivel up inside. So rattled to my bones because I could barely afford a haircut and was still wearing clothes from Junior High. In a lot of ways I feel like you've driven me post High School, to be more showy and energetic. To flaunt wealth as if it has always been something I've possessed, when really me and my family have been paycheck to paycheck since I was 8. Maybe that's how you felt. Maybe someone made you feel that way. Dare I say insecure? Am I just projecting my feelings? I feel like a moron talking about this for so long, but I could never understand you. That's why I liked you so much. Maybe that's why you liked me.
I hate that you've been stuck inside my mind for the past 3 years without paying rent.
Most importantly, I hate how much I see myself as the world's worst landlord. Despite the missed payments and overdue conversations, I don't want you to leave. You drive me, yet I can't seem to talk to you anymore.
I feel like it's time to let go.
But I JUST CAN'T HOLEY MOLEY
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Getting over someone is a long long process, but I think that it's not that you can't let go but you don't want to in a sense and that is why you keep on going back to check her social media. Out of sight out of mind my dear boy. You even said it yourself in your post, "Despite the missed payments and overdue conversations, I don't want you to leave." Sometimes we don't want to do a lot of things, but it is not a matter of if you want to but that you have to, for the sake of your sanity. Dwelling on what could have been never did anyone any good. Maybe you need closure and need that last conversation, maybe you don't. Being intimidated by her wealth because you yourself weren't rich yourself is very common, you felt as though you weren't going to fit in as well as you would have liked. And maybe somewhere you thought that because you were poor, it would affect the decision that she made when it came to you. Sometimes we are meant to know someone or something but never understand it. When you say that you've become more showy and energetic, I think that it was and is to prove to her, even though she isn't in your life anymore, that you do belong in some way. Anyhow, I could be wrong and what I have said could be complete and utter bull, but I hope that it at least strikes a cord in you.
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