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Sleep... I hate sleep. The running gears in my head never ending. I try to prioritize my happiness, I’ve noticed that I try hard not to have the feeling of hating myself to the point where I like my face... but the thing is I have gender dysphoria so the whole trying not to hate my body really is something. I am sorry to the people who think I’m okay because I really am not, I don’t think I’ve ever felt okay so why don’t people get that I’m lying all the time? Life feels like... I don’t know to explain it, I feel like I can’t do anything and that I stick in situations of others people’s lives and it makes me miserable. I am in pain, I am hurt because I haven’t been able to figure out myself, I’ve told myself it’s easy because all I have to do is define myself. But identity is hard, sometimes living is all there is... Why does it feel like everything isn't worth anything? Oh... right, it’s because there is no such thing as meaning, nothing is inherently meaningful. I feel disappointed, I feel like I’ve lost time and people. I don’t have anyone, I felt like I used to though. My situation is bad.
Right now I have hardly enough time to sleep before I have to leave to some boring college, I don't attend it I’m just sitting around it. It’s gonna be fine... I’m fine, right no I’m not I can’t... I cant breathe. I expect things to be the worst outcome so that I don’t feel disappointment. I’m tired of trying to socialize, all I practically have to talk to is a wall. It’s run out of things... haven’t you noticed? Things to see, to touch, to feel, to taste. There is nothing left and I’m starving. I want someone to love me lol, yeah right you’ll just say that I’ll find someone, well that doesn’t make it seem any better now does it? I can’t escape my reality or this house. Even if I wasn’t alone it wouldn’t matter I couldn’t open myself to them, they. wouldn’t. care. I could talk forever, no really, this never stops in my head, it all sounds like these words. I’m tired of my own thoughts, my own existence, I hate people concerning themselves with me, I am not real. No, this is fine. Sorry, yeah I must be real in your reality I just have a hard time grasping things. Ugh, I sound like a moron. Good point. Welp, hate my fucking life and I’ve messed up a ton of these so why not add to that pile?
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Hey there. Would it help if I told you I care about you? You might not believe me but I do. No, I don’t know you and I don’t know your story. But I hope it’s okay with you that I care.
I hear your words and I think I understand most of them. I think I understand the loneliness and the pain that comes along with the numbness. I might not really understand at all but I think I do.
I think there are a lot of people here who care. I hope that that thought keeps you going.
Have you seen the sky lately? I just like to sit and watch the sky sometimes. If the walls have stopped talking I’d like to suggest talking to the sky. The moon has a lot to say most of the nights.
You don’t have to worry about the feelings.. they will come and go. Just try sitting under the sky and listening someday sometime. It’s peaceful there.
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