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For the first time I have no idea how to start writing. It has been so long I am trapped with these feelings that I have no words to describe it anymore. Have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing. It feels like I'm just going along with life as the sun rises and falls everyday in same routine and order. I'm breathing but I don't feel alive. What I once wanted is so obscure, so far away, so gone and I'm never fast enough to catch it before it fades away completely. Medication helps till some point. It makes me think that all can be okay for half an hour. Then same old story begins all over again when memories, heart breaks, disappointments come back and set themselves free from deepest, darkest part of my soul. A salvation for 30 minutes..
I can't stand walking this Earth anymore. It's like I am tested everyday with ignoramus, inconsiderate, psychotic people who think the world is turning around them and all of us are supposed to serve to please, listen, care for them while they give nothing back other than hatred, betrayal or ruthlessness. Even if for a day, I manage to pull myself back up from the deep hole I constantly fall into, people and their thoughtless comments destroy everything I have left inside me that have hope for a future. A few years ago I tell someone important to me that people would be my reason. Either I'm gonna survive through this fight or I'm gonna see my life slipping away from my hands 'cause I can't feel the strength to fight anymore.
I am at a point where I'm supposed to put my life's pieces back together without hurting myself this much along the way, yet all I want is to sleep until the end. Have you ever felt that a part of you is trying to push you over the edge while other part is determined not to let go, so you're torn between both parts? Every morning I ask myself why I continue to do this. Every night I try to escape from going to bed so that fears can't trap me in nightmares even though all I need is really to sleep through this whole thing called life. Choices.. Do we really have them? Because when I look around myself, I can't see nothing but a path being decided by everyone else around me. I'm surrounded by "friends" who doesn't care, "family" who can't see the importance of situation, a "me" who can't even figure out what the hell she is doing here.. Everyday I'm asking to myself how I am supposed to "follow my dreams" if I keep sitting on my ass, doing what everyone else is saying that brings nothing new to my world. Everyday I question and then realize how helpless I am, how powerless I feel. Maybe it is self pity but who cares? I just can't feel it in myself anymore but I keep pretending to be okay. The part, which wants to attach itself onto life with all it has, started to lose the fight against other side since all of this seems pointless for me. How am I gonna change my life if I can't even like myself? You know what? All it takes for us is a bad day to be pushed over that edge into the unknown. I know I'm close to fill that quota. I'm just curious about when I will give in to the instinct and leap..
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This is so powerful and beautifully written written. You are not alone I'm feeling this way. I swear you have looked into my mind and articulated in words what I feel everyday. I sorry I don't have any answers for you because I don't have one for myself either.
ReplyThank you for your kind words, I just tried to gather my thoughts and put them into words. I feel glad if I can make someone get how trapped I feel and how we are really not alone in this.. I hope we can both find our answers..
ReplyThe instinct inside is a survival instinct not a suicidal instinct your logic is flawed. Every day is a new one. Usually it brings shit, my atheist self knows that boy do I know it. It often brings it to me. If we were meant to actually design and live our own lives without the direction of input the world would be a mess. Of course there’s order. What is not one person in the world wanted to be a dr? To hard, pays crap whatever.... there would be at least 8 generations affected just by two generations of not having new drs. So again logic is flawed. Either present good arguments and take me on dark warrior, and I warn you I get angelic help, and allow Novni to be your sound board or you don’t win and I will stop talking rudely for a week
ReplyI have no exact idea what the hell you understand from what you read but this comment's logic seems "flawed". I think your logic doesn't go beyond attacking people who are trying to express themselves. You're in no position to tell me what I do or do not.. You can talk rudely for the rest of your life if you want buddy, it seems you are already finding pleasure in that and I don't have to persuade you into anything. Try to use your brain for once in a while and have a good day..
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