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Whatever has been going on in my life, currently going on in the present with the circumstances, situations and events, nothing has improved for the better. In fact, they have become worst and a problem to my life in the long run. I don't know what's going on with me and what's going on with my surroundings anymore. I'm confused and lost on what to think on certain matters. Regardless, if it's mental illnesses and I'm suffering from paranoia, depression, anxiety, trust issues or something else entirely. If people are also really fucking with my life and making it harder for me too. Basically, a mixture of bullshit circumstances and events happening all at once.
It's all ruining me and stopping me from living my life. Slowly i'm losing my fucking mind here everyday.
Am I to be at fault here for how it all turned out? More often than I like, I feel that I had enough and I don't have the strength or energy to endure more.
I lost the optimistic attitude,will power, motivation, perseverance and hope to try anymore.
I've became apathetic about my own life, lost passion towards the things I do and want to do. It all comes across more as an obligation than a wanting desire. I'm not lazy,ungrateful and selfish but this is my reality. Nothing in my life has ever been normal, nothing good remains long term no matter how I looked at it and what I did against it. It's similar to fighting a force as opposite magnets would,how it deflects each other with a pushing force and never coming in contact.
I have no control over this force.
My life was spinning, it spun out of control and fell right out of my own hands. None of which was intentionally but it feels like I have no power over this anymore.
Which ever good I did get and had going in my life was either false, or short lived. All the negativity was the prevalent force going for me and I get no escape from it. I never really had a chance, to get break from life throwing things at me and neither does my immediate family. Yet, still here,stuck and struggling with little to no improvement. I don't know what life wants from me and purpose out if this, but it's killing me internally. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted of putting up with everything that I'm suffering from in my life. Still never budged anywhere and it's eating at me. I'm not happy, proud about anything going on at the moment and I'm disappointed in myself too. I've been getting many thoughts and urges to end my life. I just want to make it all stop by having it all go away and leave me fucking be. I hate to feel like it would make my life so much easier to throw it all away, all because it's becoming unbearable for me to deal with mentally and emotionally level anymore. I get the sense that it's going to take longer for me to go through the whole process of healing and getting better. It's taking too long to get my life together and I let myself get destroyed by the things pulling my down. It all keeps latching and clinging on to me for the most heinous reasons. The worst part is there's no guarantee that everything will get better, even if I try again to make it alittle better, but on the other hand I wouldn't know if I don't try completely either. I'm caught between a confusing battle with myself and matters outside of myself that still effects me. I'm broken and I feel utterly helpless to be restored again on many attempts. I no longer believe in myself and at times anyone else around me. I lost faith in alot of things. My soul feels empty,lost and dead. I've changed to something much more dark and cold. Now, it's as if I'm waiting for my body to die or something horrible to happen to me which kills the body.
I can't bring myself to do it, even if I wanted to. Anyways, it would all match well to have the body die with the soul and everything comes all together at an end. There will be nothing more to worry about and have my body rest in peace. It's frustrating because i get no sign that I have a positive purpose and impact of being alive. People also make me feel,act upon like I shouldn't be alive and I don't deserve the right in having a good life.
The only exception is to just exist for others sake and that isn't of any reassurance. I get the impression that I'm everyone's ragdoll and that there's nothing more to me. It doesn't feel as though I have anything worth living for and it's just not enough to make me feel alive internally again. I'm doubtful about what I need to regain myself, restore what has been lost and function again in society. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore, but I am beaten down and always hurting alot. I lost the battle with myself and feeling any sort of enjoyment in good moments.
I've been paranoid, anxious, prideful of getting help and having it turn against me. Due to alot that has happened to me, which made it even worst and were also part of the reasons I've become like this.
There's an awareness of such thoughts not being normal and I know it myself. I don't think I have the energy and strength anymore to fight against it. I've always been a bit of a pessimist, but I really am feeling very unmotivated and discouraged by everything. I've became tired of life in many ways and there's so much more to experience,learn and explore from. That's all not connecting to me any longer and attached with life. I blocked myself away from everything and shut myself down. I wanted more out of life and live well but that feeling is long gone. If I can't enjoy any of the good moments I get,have no positive experiences out of this life and getting nowhere,what's the point of living? It all comes down to being hold back by all the goes horribly wrong and that torments the shit out of me. I don't know what's to come out of this. I don't have the slightest idea of knowing if matters will improve for the better. So far, nothing gets better and keeps getting worst and I'm suffer from from it greatly.
It's an unpredictable situation on whether I will continue to battle my demons, unfortunate circumstances, difficult challenges and what other bullshit is thrown my way, or if I'll be pushed too far to where I lose my mind and kill myself.
It's killing me inside and I'm losing.
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I hope getting all that out made you feel a bit better.
But there are a few things I want to tell you that I wish I had known before. Nothing is ever in your control. The only thing you do have control over is your reactions to what life throws at you. Nothing more and sometimes a bit less. Second, nothing lasts, not the good or the bad. It’s more like a cycle from good to bad to good again. Third, this ones a bit cliched but still very true, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Just hold on so you don’t miss the best things in life. It might take a while until they come but I promise they will be worth it.
All that is general but you still have the present to deal with. But you know sometimes you can decide to just not deal with things and life. Just find a quite place, get a book or pop in your ear buds with music you like and just for an hour forget about your life and the problems that come with it. Take a walk in a pretty park. Sing along to the music. Get out of your head. It’ll make all the difference in the world.
ReplyIt barely made much of a difference at all really, because there's no solution, answer or certainy of how this is all going to play out in the end.
I already know that you can't control everything, with the exception on what and how I can react to situations. That's the thing, I'm not handling things well anymore and it's taking a different turn on me because I'm having enough of the bullshit.
I use to think optimistically of how there's a light at the end of the tunnel, or a silverlining after a storm. My view on life has changed and this "bad time" is just dragging on and it's driving me a little nuts. I don't know what are the reasons of why I'm hanging on and still remain.
I've tried taking my mind off, turn off and get out of my head. I did read books, meditation, natural pills and more on my own.
It doesn't last very long, not enough which helps me over come what's going on with myself and around me. I can get suddenly triggered by something and it reminds me all over again of how shit the situation was.
I am a person which is naturally able to forgive and let things go.
I can say that I had a lot of horrible experiences and I did manage to let it go. However, recent events and what's been going on is making me unable to let this one go. Something within myself wants to put my foot down and get justice out of this.
There's something not adding up
which is questionable and odd.
It's more to do with my surroundings than circumstances. Maybe, I'm not trying hard enough to have more clarity at mind. I'm sick of being pushed into the dirt, kept in the dark and by everything and everyone who's giving me a hard time on purpose. I don't know what is what anymore and this where I'm losing it.
I feel helpless in all of this.
Thanks for trying to cheer me up with a positive and yet constructive comment.
I will try to see it all again in a different light, but this is getting tough for me and it's really testing my limit on how much I can tolerate.
ReplyI feel like you are caught between feeling helpless and angry.. at the end of the day all I can really say is that I hope this mess ends soon for you.
ReplyMe too.
ReplyParanoid no..harassed yes
ReplyI don't know what to believe...
Reply