What are you looking for?
7 months ago · · Addiction,
I often wonder if I’m helping myself to an early death. I mean, I know I have some serious problems, but how serious are they exactly? I know I certainly don’t have control over them. I know that people don’t realize how bad things really get sometimes. I have addiction issues. And I think I’ve always had them too. I’ve just now begun to realize that everything comes down to it. My weight problem, my caffeine problem, my procrastination problem, everything. I’m always searching for something to hang on to. Something I recognize myself in.
I could stop eating if I wanted to, but deep down I don’t want to put in the effort. Food is just so comforting, even though it makes me feel bad in so many more ways than it makes me feel happy. It’s not really the food. It’s just the thought of it. I don’t really enjoy eating all that much. Sure, a greasy hamburger tastes good once in a while, but it kind of loses its power when it’s the seventh one you’ve eaten that week and it’s only Thursday. I know I get a stomachache if I eat too much, yet still I can’t stop myself from ordering everything I could possibly want. A hamburger or nuggets? Why not both? That way I certainly won’t have any regrets.
Why do I even think like that? My parents for sure didn’t raise me to eat all I can stomach. They didn’t teach me to spend so much money on food that I’ve been continuously broke for the past two years. I don’t know why I do it, that’s the problem. I need some serious help, but I’m too afraid that people will one day realize that I do. I know I should probably be constantly watched to make sure I don’t do anything dangerous, but I don’t exactly want to be locked up in a facility somewhere…
The sad thing is that I know how to loose weight too. It’s not as if I’d go on one of those juice diets or would just stop eating all at once. I know my food pyramid and how to slim down in a healthy way. I just can’t for some reason. The line between can’t and won’t is really thin in my head – which is where I think my addiction issues come in play. I don’t want to change this about myself, even though I know it’s unhealthy to live the way I do. I know there are so many things I have to change that would make my life so much more bearable than it is now, but I simply don’t have the strength. And I hate it so much.
I used to be the girl with endless perseverance. When I started something I’d finish it to the best of my abilities. Now I put in the effort I need to get away with it. I still care, but not enough. I drink too much diet coke. I obsess over too many things. I can’t simply like something, it has to become my sole purpose in life. Why? Once again, I don’t know.
How do I explain this feeling of addiction to the people that I care about? How do I explain that I’m just so weak that I can never be a bit of this and a bit of that? I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. But I’m sure I’d be able to loose myself in all three. Sometimes I pass a smoking person in the streets and I inhale very deeply, just to be sure that I’m not missing out on this thing that could bring me instant joy. I long for a cigarette while I’ve never smoked. I can imagine the feeling that courses through your body when you take a whiff and I’m ashamed that it’s something I fantasize about. Please keep me away from things that are even more toxic than I already am. I’m not able to control myself. I’m weak. I’m spineless. I’m addiction.