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it is always good to be aware
but do not be too aware.
i became too aware.
i am aware of time
i am aware of myself.
sometimes it is not good to be aware.
it makes me think.
think of everything i’m aware about.
it makes me nervous.
anxiety depression
next comes loneliness.
not because i am alone
because i make myself alone
because i am too aware.
because i think too much.
i want to do something.
i can’t move.
why can’t i just get up and do it.
look at everyone else
free.
i am stuck.
not by choice
i can’t move.
i just won’t do it.
i’ll just go to my room
for a little bit.
a few hours.
because i am stuck.
anxiety.
makes me stuck.
i think too much.
i am too aware.
i am nervous for work.
why am i nervous.
i tell myself
i tell others
i am not nervous.
why am i nervous.
no talking will not help.
i think i will hold it all in.
because you already know
i can’t speak
i am stuck.
i’m nervous to make a mistake.
i’m nervous to be the center of attention.
i do not have self confidence.
i don’t know where it went.
i don’t know who broke it down
i don’t have it
anymore.
i realized i will always be nervous.
anxiety will never go away.
there are times i feel good
i feel great.
but it always comes back.
then i think
because i am too aware.
and it comes back.
along with depression.
now i keep thinking
even though i tell myself
everything will be fine.
in my head
nothing is ever fine.
i’m writing this thinking of work
one source of anxiety now.
another is the future.
i’m nervous for next week
i don’t know what to expect.
i have anxiety
because i don’t know
what will happen next.
8 hours of work
is a lot of time for mistakes.
why do i think like this.
why can’t i be normal.
why can’t i just live.
why can’t i just live.
thinking is good
it is good to be aware.
overthinking is bad
it is bad to be too aware.
i overthink
i am too aware.
nothing will ease my mind
my thoughts will never change.
i tell myself
i just need summer.
but then summer comes
and i’m not fixed.
i’m still broken.
i’m still thinking too much
i am helpless.
:(
why do i put myself below everyone else.
i won’t speak
about my anxiety
depression
trich
because
they won’t believe me.
i want to do it myself.
i can’t do it myself.
i wear it well
my mask, as high school teachers
call it.
not to me specifically.
i think about my old therapist
at times.
the one thing he said to me.
it comes back to me at times.
i just can’t apply it.
“you should speak more sometimes
i bet there’s
some pretty amazing things up there”.
too bad the only judgement
my thoughts will get
is from myself.
i think before i speak.
i think too much.
i don’t talk.
i think something
i think it’s dumb
i don’t say it.
maybe it was amazing.
maybe it actually was dumb.
i’ll never know.
neither will anyone else
i think that’s the safety i like.
better safe than sorry.
not all the time
but for my mind
it is all the time.
and i never speak.
i like to observe.
i don’t like that i like
to observe.
i am too aware.
big groups are not my thing.
it’s hard enough to talk
one on one.
my voice will never be heard.
that’s what i think.
i think this
because i think too much about it.
if i didn’t observe as much
if i didn’t overthink as much
if i wasn’t so aware
maybe i could be normal.
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If you don’t mind me asking, what do you mean by normal? What is your definition of normal?
Replyby normal, i mean being able to go somewhere without anxiety holding me back. being able to live without only negative thoughts circulating my mind constantly. i view normal people as people i observe around me that can just live life without major anxiety/OCD
ReplyYou'll be surprised by how many of those "normal" people are actually suffering from their own form of anxiety. When you hear their stories, you can't have a "normal" you should be striving for. Just know that you are not alone and there are others who are also fighting their demons inside and putting on a mask for the outside world.
Replyyou’re right, i guess i just don’t feel comfortable in my own identity. constantly looking at & observing others, only to realize i don’t act like them. i don’t have their happiness, so i shut down :( i understand and agree with your point that others have masks as well, i guess my mask has been worn for too long and i cannot help but show who’s really behind it
ReplyI don’t think you can ever have life with some issues.. there will always be anxiety and negative thoughts. What you can definitely achieve though is being happy despite all that. Yeah there are a lot of people who don’t have to deal with anxiety/OCD issues.. but maybe you should look at people who face those difficulties and come out happy. Don’t you think it’s better to strive for happiness? After all normal does not guarantee happiness..
I think when you look at other people you see the little ray of happiness everyone has, it’s just that you see it in a lot of people so you feel like everyone is extremely happy.. if that make sense to you.
Anyway all the best! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Replythank you for your input and conversing with me handman, i really appreciate it! :)
ReplyAlways happy to talk :)
Reply