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I've been losing interest in everything recently. Life generally feels empty. Time is running out. I can sense everything starting to go downhill. I've done some mistakes and its time for me to pay. I have lied to people more than I'd like to admit. Maybe I'm a bad person who thinks he is a nice guy. I'll stay the same for a pretty long time unless something miraculous happens. But who am I kidding? This is real life, there is nothing magical or interesting in this world. I've been feeling low lately. I'm low on confidence, I've been in a bad mood for more than what I think might be healthy for a normal person. I feel like a misfit, I'm awkward, I'm terrified of embarrassments. Makes me think the whole world is against me and I've got to fight them to survive every single day. Most of my time are spend either feeling gloomy or doing something totally unproductive. I feel like a liability to anyone who has to deal with me. I might sound like a crybaby and maybe I am one, but I wanna escape from all of this. I wish I could forget everything and everyone. I wish I could start from zero again, I wanna start a new life, a new me. Whatever tips you read on the internet, every self help video on Youtube, any kind of advice from anyone is a waste of time. Nothing is gonna work unless I change myself. But its a mammoth task that I cannot do without outside help. I need to talk more so that I can be more confident, but I'm not confident enough to start a conversation. Its like a closed loop that I cannot get into. I don't know how to start. I don't know if I will ever stop being a coward and take a stand for myself. But then again, its easier said than done. I've been struggling mentally, fighting with myself, trying not to feel pathetic and depressed. But the more I try to do that, the more it backfires. I wish I could stop overthinking for a second and focus on whats actually going on around me. Maybe I'm wired this way or maybe I'm too stubborn to change. Whatever the reason, I'm not truly happy. I have never been, for a really long time now. I thought about ending it all and being at peace for once and for all. But I'm probably not gonna do it because I'm afraid of getting hurt. If I could just switch off my life, I would have done it a long time ago. I would have chosen not to be born if I had a choice. But its too late. Now that I'm here, I've got to live it through. I don't have big dreams. I don't want a huge house or a fancy sports car in my garage. I just need a job so that I don't have to depend on anyone else for my basic needs like food and cloths. I guess this is my life now.
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(This bit is for anything above or below that could help us) We don't want a noice house, or car, or clothes, or a rolex. WE JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WiTH OURSELVES! We want to be content with the life we have, but the life we have hates us. We have pains in our hearts and it wont go away. It is kinda like we know what it is, but we don't. I don't know if it's anxiety, depression, PTSD, returning D.I.D, or anything else. It just hurts..
ya know?
ReplyMy heart totally goes out to you. I was in the same place for years. I didn't want to go on. I could find NO joy or interest in anything. I would have been too depressed to even write what you wrote. There was no mental energy left for life.
I just kept going, and quit worrying about not feeling happy, and accepted where I was. That seemed to work, eventually, as now I'm fine with life, and often happy, even though it's REALLY hard...A LOT. I say this a lot, but I found God, who gave me strength. I hope you'll consider praying to him. J.e.s.u.s will help you. I will pray for you. I wish the best for you. Please take good care of yourself. With Love!
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