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Need help about what is wrong with me
2 months ago · · emotional abuse, · Explicit
I’m writing today while I sit next to my problems.
My built up emotions seem to be devouring every last inch of my self respect. My soul.
You see I’m feeling very stressed, alone and yet disappointed in myself.
Every morning and every night I wake up or fall asleep with the thoughts of what if.
What if I leave. What if I finally focus on me. My dreams, my happiness.
Let me explain the situation a little bit.
This isn’t fiction. This is my reality.
I’m in a relationship, domestic, abusive. You name it, we’ve experienced it. (Within reason)
We broke up when he ran away to another country to have fun and be young. Well we ended before moving to the country together.
I left all my study’s and my friends. He abused me, making me feel weak.
When it ended, I was a mess. A literal mess; I didn’t eat for 6 days once. Not even a grape. But I got better(after months) got a job and back into education.
But my struggles and accomplishments went unseen by my family and friends. They thought I was weak and a bad person.
My parents are separated, have been for years and honestly haven’t spoken once since the split. But besides that they are hard workers, very successful and both came from third world backgrounds.
Anyways I haven’t lived with my mother since I was 15, I lived with a few random people and friends family members for two years. To get my own flat. I had it until I couldn’t pay for it anymore, I moved into my uncles place in London. He’s also abusive and hits me for things that honestly don’t make sense. Or sense to hit someone for.
Im well behaved, obedient(hate to use the word by it’s true), very clean and intelligent.
Besides my drug addiction to a cocktails of xans and Valls, weed and for a year coke. But that was when I lived alone. I only was addicted to xans and weed when I lived with my uncle.
Let me mention he had no idea of my addiction, he thought I was a good kid but I smoked abit too much weed with my friends.
I originally moved in to start my education again at 19. I also wanted to feel like a kid. As stupid as it’s sounds, I missed the feeling of a family. My sister married young and into money, she moved and even though she does love me to the end of the world and back. She can’t give me help or attention of any kind. My brother was in my parents home lands with his wife and kids. They both thoughts of my existence as a burden due to my lack of strength with mental health.
I want to add that I tried to kill myself at 15 with a overdose of koke, xans, whisky and other nasty things in a squat I was staying in.
I then drank anti freeze at 17, it was the most disgusting thing I ever put inside my body. I was very regretful as soon as the pain started.
So when I was finally at my end; I over dosed myself. It was very painful, actually more pain than you would think. And I was admitted to a mental health unit.
I came out, straight back on drugs, at 20 years of age. I was worse then anyone I knew. It disturbed me in so many ways. I failed at death and yet I felt nothing for being alive. A constant high gave me meaning and a thing to wake up for.
So back to the point of this, I met him. He had the most beautiful face and domain. Truly a Prince Charming in every way but with a edge of cockiness and intelligence.
He was the first man I felt safe around. Like ever!
I had a boyfriends in the past for a year or a few months. But none ever made me this mesmerised by their very presence.
So we were together, broke up, got back together and now I’m stuck. I longed for him when we ended, even though I was dating someone for 5 months at the time. I still cried every night. (We broke up for a year and a half)
I honestly never thought I would want someone while with someone else. Still feeling love for them in every way.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have the same feelings for them both in anyway. The new guy was perfect but I don’t know. He wasn’t him.
Now we’ve been together again for 9months, and it’s horrible again. I don’t know what to do. What to think or how to live.
I love him and I’m I mess without him. But what’s the point if you can’t wake up without being someone you hate.
Like everyday I image what ifs. And as bad as this sounds, I wish I never met him. But now I’m to attached. He’s the only person who knows me. the true me. Like I feel like a child around him because besides all the shit he make me feel safe for a little while.
I know it’s sounds so messy and contradicting, and maybe the way I wrote it wasn’t the best. But it’s how it’s is and how I feel.