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J,
I don’t know if I’ll send this, and if I do, if you’ll ever read it. I’m fully expecting this to be scrunched up and in the bin right now if I have. Rightly so. But if I’m lucky enough to still have your attention. I need to say a few things that cannot be said in person, for obvious reasons.
I have blamed you for a lot of things, when I’m not innocent myself. You’re right, I am a hypocrite. We have both done our fair share of hurting each other in some way. I can’t expect anything from you when I can’t deliver. I’ve been denying it for over a year now, and I think it was the main cause of our arguments. We were in a relationship, whether I want to admit it or not. I kept denying it, I was afraid of commitment. I told you I didn’t want a relationship, but I stayed. I see now that my reason for staying, was due to my own insecurities. I projected them onto you, and that was reckless of me.
Maybe if we were more open about this, you wouldn’t have to lie to me about little things. I think it might have been because you were insecure and you didn’t want to fight or lose me. IDK what the reason was. It doesn’t make it right, that you made me question my mental health, to the point where I snapped. It will never be okay, but I understand.
We’re all damaged. It seems some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood and as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage, and then we set about the business of fixing whatever we can. I know I’m imperfect, and not without sin, but I truly loved you. You were my best friend, my person. I’m deeply hurt that I’ve lost that. I cannot fix this, but I hope you can let go of your anger eventually.
I had to tell him, it was no different to you telling him about me. I did it for the both of us. How you chose to respond to that was your decision and I don’t resent it one bit. I would never do anything that would put your job in jeopardy. Ever. And I knew that wouldn’t. It was just an action that needed to be taken for our own sanity. I’m sorry you took that the wrong way.
Regardless of the shit we’ve been through, how I have behaved with you when you’ve hurt me is despicable. It does not matter what you’ve done, what you’ve said. I never should behave in that way, and I never will ever again. Why is it that we always realize how wrong we were and how much damage we caused when it’s already too late? I’m more disappointed in myself than I am with you. You are a person, a son, a brother. If I could apologise to your mother for all the hurt that I’ve shed upon you, I would. I said I loved you and that is how I behaved. The pain of being betrayed by someone you love just cut deep I guess. Regardless, it shouldn’t have happened.
All the spiteful things I have said to you. It was all in a fit of rage. I believe in karma. Those words, will soon bite me in the arse. You have taught me a lot about myself. Things I never confronted, just bottled down. I genuinely thank you for that.
I wouldn’t change a thing. I would never have dealt with my demons if things were different. I guess the only thing I wish I could change, was figuring it out sooner rather than to the point of no return. I want you to be happy, truly. I’m happy you’re in a better place than last year. You’ve grown, I can see it. I hope you continue to grow.
This is the most heartfelt thing I’ve ever done tbh. Writing letters isn’t something I do and what you do with it is up to you. I want to believe that I once had enough respect in your eyes to be able to read this far without gagging lol.
Love, A.
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