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I'm never sure where to start when I vent, rant, express (whatever you want to call it) my carefully bottled up and controlled emotions but well here goes.
Right so um I recently watched something, a show that I quickly fell in love with, and serveral of the lines seriously hit me hard, they were lines/words that actually helped me to put words to some of the chaotic maelstorm of emotion and pain that is always simmering below the surface and making me feel like I'm suffocating or drowning or being consumes.
One of these lines was simply 'Becoming me was the greatest creative project of my life' it hit me hard, though not immediately as it can take a while or hearing it several times for it to click in my head why I react as I do to that line or this line.
Point is, this line hit me hard, like a punch to the gut, when I realised because to put it pretty simply I've had the exact same project for my life. Like, what I project to the outside world is so...different to how I am inside in the most important parts if nothing else.
I laugh when I say things like 'maybe I'll finally die' and speak in the most light hearted way with a grin, like it's a joke, the same kind of joke so many people make when bantering with someone or something but in actual fact I just...well...I can say such a comment when I'm tired as hell from not sleeping and I'm by a road, I joke about maybe a driver will be an ass and not stop like he/she is meant to but inside, beneath the layers and the armor and the lies and the fake smile some part of me is always, always hoping it will happen and I know that if it did happen and I saw it coming I wouldn't try to move away I wouldn't panic or try to stop it I'd probably just...stop and let it happen hoping that maybe I will die and my life can end and I won't have to suffer alone any longer.
A fucked up thing about that scenario is that if I did think about triyng to prevent it from happening it wouldn't be because I want to live or I'm afraid of dying, no, it would be because of what I've created to show others and that if I let it happen and did get hit but survived people may be able to see below a layer or 2 and yes I sort of want that I want someone, ANYONE, to notice I'm hurting and suffering and screaming, constantly on the edge of ledge always a single step from falling off but at the same time I don't want people I don't trust, people I don't knwo to pretend nd talk like they know what I'm going through that they will 'help me' because the fact it took me nearly dying for them to notice anything i wrong after so, so many years will probably break me and shatter me or rather break and shatter what is already broken pieces and shards.
When I'm around my parents or siblings I always always pretend, I always use this fascile of a person I've created to show the world and even whilst my brains spins round and round in circles about how they don't love me, how they haven't noticed anything is wrong with me after all this time, how they don't and can't understand me, how I could probably die ro disappear the next day and no one will think about it or me and I'll just get lost an forgotten so, so quickly it'll be laughable.
When I'm around or talking to my very small number of friends (I'm talking quite literally 1 or 2) I'm always thinking of how they don't and never will care about me, how like everyone else they will never notice what goes on underneath the armour. How what I've created is all I'll be able to trust them with and how they will never even want to find out about how I'm actually feeling.
I can be walking alongside a friend or near a group of complete strangers realising that there is no difference as I'm still looking up, looking down, looking around thinking of all the ways I could end my life, thinking maybe, maybe I could try and not smile when something is tearing me up inside.
I've been doing it for so, so long, without any break or reprieve because no one cares and no one notices, that I don't think I even know how to not smile and treat something that is grinding what's left of me to dust and ash. It second nature, it's what I've been doing for 10 years that I don't think anyone will ever see it's a lie, that it fake because no on ever has, not a single person, family, friend or stranger even when I'm saying something that's personal that's killing me, that no one notices that the smile and laugh and light hearted way I put it is all an act, all a part of this great creative project that I don't even know if I can anymore.
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And also about the smile you force for other people think you are okey, that just hurts more and like I wanted to say the real solid relationships are grown by sharing your shameful errors. I read that “you are the love you give to others but you are also the love you don’t give to anyone”, I just feel that that none of my words can say more than that quote. It’s actually something I have a lot to work on and well, just wanted to let you know, you are not alone.
ReplyThank you
ReplyI can't pretend to know what you're going through. For years, all I could think about was how to end it. I'd get graphic visuals. It's the most painful head-space to be in. Nothing in the world is quite as painful. I do know that.
I truly hope you can let your family and friends in, even if it's a little at a time. It might make all the difference. You can't go through this alone. You need the emotional support. Please take care. Much Love!
ReplyMaybe I will be able to one day, thank you
ReplyHave you ever listened to Brene Brown talk about vulnerability (on YT)? It might inspire you to be more open. It's really good. I'm here for you.
ReplyI haven't but maybe I'll check him out, once again thank you
ReplyI hope you do. She's a female.
Reply