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Apart of You
1 month ago · · Addiction,
I think about this often. I am afraid of becoming my father. As a child I looked up to him. He was incredible. We had everything we ever wanted. A nice house, our favorite foods, a nice bed, and so many toys. While the sun was shining we were happy. I always looked past it, but as the moon came to view and the sun disappeared the house was filled with abuse. I didn't talk about it and I still don't know how because, "I have both of my parents and someone out there doesn't even have one." Someone has It worse I can't hurt. That's what they said. See, my dad, he drinks too much. My mom is afraid to leave him, but she also leans on him for the financial support. As I get older the issues get better, but that doesn't heal the scars already there. We have holes in the walls from one bad night. I cry when you yell because it brings me back. I never knew if I'd see my dad again or if my mom would wake up the next morning. You read this and think, "How did you manage?" I read and think, "This is life, isn't it normal?"
For years I hated my mom. My dad painted her to be Satan, but he's the bad one. Until he started treating me just like her I didn't believe her. There are no words for the regret I have. My parents have 5 kids. I love my mom while everyone else has my dad's picture of her branded to their mind. For that, I suffer. My dad has a list. It's a mental one, but it's there. Whoever is at the top is his favorite. I tried so hard to be there. I did everything in my power to be #1 just for 10 minutes. It took years for me to realize there is nothing in this world I can do to be there. I will always be last. I am 18 and I am pregnant. I didn't want to tell him. I fear what he might do or say when he gets drunk. He pretends to be okay with it, but I know he isn't. He has ruined everything that has ever made me happy. I try so hard but he tears me down every chance he gets. In that same breathe he will build up my twin sister. It breaks my heart every single day. His drinking got so bad he was hospitalized with pancreatitis. He got out 2 weeks later and was sober for 3 months. He drinks because he thinks when his pancreas has to be removed he will just be diabetic like my mom. He thinks he will be fine. He doesn't believe He won't survive like that. He is my dad and at the end of the day I struggle with the thought of losing him, but I feel like I am trying to force something that's not there. I am slowly letting go. I refuse to drink. I will not give myself even the slightest chance to put this baby through what he put me through. It is not fair.