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Meet the middle child (but I'd be surprised if you can reach the end *spoiler, I'm running in circles)
4 years ago · 101 · I need help, +23
2022
Too young to remember age - learned that we all die, and got scared and cried
Age 5 - realized own existence, & would always hide in house until found
Age 6 - eh. repeat like kindergarten, but grew a little. Kinda like the 2000s in America and its wana-be 90s lol
Age 7 - not afraid of life, death, or existence. Was just livin life, ya' know?
Age 8 - first boy crush. Remembered existence again & was biggest crybaby ever, all year 😭
Age 9 - turns out boy crush was also first bully, due to being "fat" i guess..
*moved schools for unrelated reasons (call it school B)
Age 10 - new school turned sadness into slight depression & i learned what ghetto meant 😂
*moved back (to school A, k thru 8)
11 - realized that kids "grow up" fast, and everyone dated since 5th grade. Best friend dates bully for example
12 - first girl crush (but didnt wana admit it, especially after she) was first girl bully too
13 - bullies here, bullies there, bullies everywhere, my "friends" didnt care. Yet somehow still got first and last bf from a completely diff school (thank god)
*moved out of state this time (weird parents) for a semester tho
14 - NOT cool. Dumped bf admitting bi mid-schoolyear & then came back to school B area, but high school now so saw some old kids
15 - Everyone was calm by now, but still depression like a motherf*cker since "when people call you things, you start to believe them" lead to unsuccessful suicide. No one knew
16 - hi new (girl) crush!! 😍😍😍 sit with me! talk to me! Save my life! Light up my world! Lets ironically be dark together! You like me too? What low self esteem? You make me feel REAL ^-^
*summertime sadness. three deaths of loved ones, never had this experience of close people dying
17 - crush?.. where'd you go?.... who am i... without you?.. senior year feels so unreal again. LIFE feels fake again
18 - attends university but feels nothing. Just kinda... there, existing but not feeling. Diff kind of numb tho, not depression-like
19 - I'm still not depressed, but who or what am I? I don't feel, I'm still just kinda.. here. I told a friend about you and my suicide, just to vent.
20 - I miss you. I'm lost, confused, and scared. I'm self conscious again, I don't know how to be an adult.
Just turned 21 - I'm waking up. I came here to teach math but since age 19 became a psych minor with a past like mine. I've still only ever had one relationship. It lasted a year. There's obviously so many missed details like the puking (age 14), cutting (14-15), drinking (15-16) & smoking (16-now), f*cking a couple dudes (15) etc. But only so much can be put in an already-too-long-for-anyone-to-stick-around-this-far-to-read entry. My family fought for my birthday and when I asked "what happened? Everyone was just getting along" my mom said "shut up (name)!" Shoulda just hung out with "friends" since the real ones keep flaking on me. My sister had my back though, I told her about my suicide and we talked for a really long time. I couldn't stop crying and i DARE not tell anyone else about the strange soul mate of my past, so she ended it with the best present of all, cocaine (: first and last time trying it, & alone. I was scared at first, so it took a few weeks for me to try.
That was just yesterday (3am technically). I felt nothing tho, a little heart race, some energy and sweat, but that's about it. I slept for four hours (from 8am to 12pm) and it is now about 6am today. I still haven't slept. I feel nauseous but when I close my eyes, I think "WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON HERE?" I still don't know who or what I am. I feel weird. Not depressed or manic, but not numb OR neutral. Still missing certain someone, been five years and she still hasn't left my mind. After her, I kind of recognized that I'm NOT ugly. In fact I'm actually kind of attractive, an 8 out of 10 range. Like seriously if you saw me you'd think I'm a normal person with none of these stories, thats what I love about psychology. I am not completely woke, but I'm trying now. I'm at least getting there by making these observations. I just don't know how far is too far to observe, considering some of those years I just felt like a floating body, watching my life and not really living it..... Btw still don't feel real tho even when I do try /:
Ps. Currently not afraid to die, but not afraid of life either. NOT suicidal anymore. Also not afraid of general existence.. just not understanding...
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i am anxious about my relationship even though i have no need to be. i have an anxiety disorder and am constantly blowing things out of proportion. i feel on ed...
What does ghetto mean?
Also, I'm sorry I just have to:
BABY YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE!
THE WAY THAT YOU FLIP YOUR HAIR GETS ME OVERWHELMED!
And finally, I read all the way through it.
Have a nice day!
ReplyLol thanks, I'll take your word for it (: I appreciate that
Ghetto means "ratchet" or like a rundown area with broke people. To me it means people who are usually pretty shameless, like in the Netflix show shameless 😂 those people are ghetto
ReplyWait-
Are you the one who wrote the post?
Don't get me wrong, you are allowed to be in tough moments and stuff...
So yeah..
ReplyNow that I read my comment, it makes little to no sense at all.
ReplyYa I wrote the post. And what you talkin' about? Your comment makes sense to me..
ReplyOh. Whew! Glad it does.
I've never seen a moderator post before so it sorta surprised me. Lol
ReplyThx for da heart lol
ReplyI gotchu always ;D lol an looks like someone else is a fan of ours as well..
ReplyHow do you mean?
ReplyWe're getting heart reacts from another user that has not commented with us
ReplyWho? Or does it matter? Maybe they just like your comments?
ReplyLol i think they just like our comments.. I don't wana give away they're username if they don't want it to be seen
Reply*though, just in case
ReplyThx 4 da heart! I'm sorry. I.Just feel like I have to
ReplyThat's reasonable
ReplyAlso, I just like to browse comments and heart them. I'm weird like that lol
ReplyI get it, i do that too sometimes lol. So hows ur day going
ReplyIt's pretty boring 2bh
ReplyOh no, why is that? Nothing to do today? /:
ReplyBtw I also like to bug people by constantly hearing them hehehe
>:)
Reply*hearting
ReplyWhat? Lol & oh i see, you're still of homework age huh. Well same but I'm in college and it's summer break
ReplyI'm homeschooled so I'm doing school throughout the whole summer :'(
ReplyK gotta go. Talk later? Like tonight?
ReplyOkay sure! Just hit me up through the comments here an I'll check in later 👌
ReplyGotcha. If it makes a difference, it's 14:30 here.
ReplyYea that does make a difference. See I'm from United States and America's kind of stupid (no offense if you live here too hehe), we don't do military time 😂 it's 1:28pm over here and so I assume that means it's 2:30 where ever you are?
Reply*slow clapping*
Correctamena
ReplyAnd I go to bed around 8 pm-9 pm.
ReplyTTYL8R
ReplyOh ok ok. Sorry! I'll jus keep commenting if u comment back lol I'm awake most of the say so I'll just come back and check 👌
Reply*most of the day
ReplyOk
ReplyI like PopTarts:3
ReplyAlso, how's ur day?
ReplyOh ok, you said hearting xD mines goin alright. I hav some cleaning to do but I'm procrastinating 😅
ReplySame goes for my homework lol
ReplyAlso, do you get notified when someone logs in?
ReplyNo I don't get notified
ReplyOk just wondering lol
ReplyHomework and stuff like that.
Replywait... how did you know that I was getting heart reacts as well...?
R u... stalking me...? Lol...?
ReplyLol the darker the heart, then the more hearts a person gave you. And I could see that someone else besides myself had gave you hearts
ReplyOH THAT MAKES SENSE LOL
ReplyHello. I'm baaaack
ReplyHey, sorry. U still up?
ReplyI'm up now. Not usually up at 3am. Even though it's 2am for u lol
ReplyOh my bad.. we'll catch eachother again eventually, watch lol
ReplySleepyBanana, I like PopTarts
( <
3
( <
ReplyI also forgot to mention that I am also the middle child so understand any problems in that subject lol
ReplyI BAAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!
ReplyHey! So I have a volleyball practice and basketball practice later. Volleyball is at 9, and can't remember when basketball is. Talk to ya later! Byee
ReplyHello
ReplySo so sorry! I know i already apologized but just reading these other comments I'm the type of person to feel guilty easily 😅
ReplyThat's fine. I was just informing you about my life lol.
Btw I had really fun at basketball and volleyball today.
ReplyOkay 😅
& did you? That's awesome 👍 what is it, like try outs, just practice for fun, or are you already apart of a team?
ReplyIt the homeschool team. It was just open gym. So just for fun.
ReplyVolleyball, I spiked it many times. And my underhand serve is wicked. Just saying...lol
And basketball, I made some of our baskets. So.it was fun
ReplyI've gotta do dishes now so brb. :'(
ReplyMan that sounds super fun ^-^ and ok, I'll b here 👋
ReplyDone weeth deeshes!!!
ReplyCool so wuts up (:
ReplyI'm having either tacos or French toast for dinner lol
ReplyPlus, I was reading a post and there was a question for you or any other moderator.
ReplyOh yum to each of those! 😋
And ok.. u can send the link here if you'd like 👍
ReplyK
Replyhttps://novni.com/letters/read/171919/dear-godmothee-natureuniversewhoevers-out-there
ReplyThe post was called 'Dear God/Mithee nature/Universe/Whoevers out there
ReplyOk cool, i got it. And i commented for them.
So how's your day going?
ReplyIt's going good. I ended up eating delicious tacos Mmmm...
ReplyEwww. There's spider guts on my wall.
ReplyOmg 😂 thats funny, u went from yummy tacos to ew spider guts lol
ReplyWell its true. I forgot to clean it up after I through my shoe at the bathroom wall to kill it lol
ReplyLol 😂😂
ReplyMy basement is literally a spider breeding ground. I hate spiders so much
ReplyMe too! .o. They are so scary! I recently moved a few cities away and there's scorpion looking spiders here, one time there was one under my bed and I lost it!... no i mean like i literally lost the spider 😱😂 never found it since
ReplyO_o
ReplyThat isn't Montana right?!
ReplyNo it's Selma
ReplySelma....?
ReplyTo be honest, I'd rather sleep in a pit of live, venomous snakes than a pit of harmless house spiders
ReplyYes Selma, and I could not do with either of those xD
ReplyCan you speak French?
ReplyCan you speak French?
ReplyI think I'm starting to crush on a boy
*///*
ReplyCan I talk to you about it?
ReplyNo I can't speak French, i can only count to eleven in that language lol
& yes of course! You can talk to me about it if you'd like ^-^
ReplyI want to learn French.
K I also did a post as well.
ReplySee, I just now realized my feelings for him today
ReplyOh which post was it? Maybe we can carry the conversation on over there
ReplyTitle: Any Young Single Ladies?
ReplyI tried to find it but i cant.. Srry can u please send me the link again?
ReplySure. Or you can search much name. I always put my name in the tags
Reply*my
ReplyIt got.automatically flagged :/
ReplyAnd again...twice...
Replyhttps://novni.com/letters/read/173218/any-young-single-ladies
ReplyI'm sorry it keeps automatically flagging itself.
ReplyThat's ok i gocthu
ReplyThank you
ReplyIt sounds like you're lonely to me...I'm the same person who posted about what life is
Reply