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I wasn't being defensive. All I want is to be able to tell you how I feel or what I’m thinking. All you’ve ever been through are people who just want to pick at you and attack you, that’s not me. I have no desire in any of that. I don’t have the energy nor the time for that because it’s not me. But as soon as I want to talk or express my feelings in some sort of tone or supposed disrespectful manner you get mad.
So I don’t talk, I don’t speak and it hurts because you’re the only one I want to go to with my issues, not my best friend because Yes, I can call her up and tell her how I’m feeling but, this is between you and me.
You’re hurting right now and I understand, but why in the hell ! would I have any reason to have a defense up, an attitude, or any reason to come at you in that way, I Don’t.
When I want to talk to you I can’t. Either apparently:
I say something in a way that you take the wrong way
I start to curse and you feel it’s towards you when it’s not.
You curse and get mad when you’re stressed out or talking about how you feel, but when I do I’m wrong or that I'm directing that anger towards you and I’m not.
But then again you are the person on the other end of the phone, So ok Fine, Maybe I can come off a little too strong but can you blame me?. I just want to confide in my baby and release my little bit of insanity from my days to you without having a pile of eggshells to walk through.
On top of the fact that you hung up on me after accusing me of being sarcastic or having a sarcastic manner and that you don’t need this right now, and if this is the attitude I was going to continue to have then you felt as though that we shouldn’t talk for the rest of the night. I said nothing. So by my silence, you assumed you were right when you were again wrong, but you hung up anyways without even letting me or giving me a chance to respond. Yo, I just worked two days of a back to back shifts because like I informed you my team leader was quitting and I am the only other employee for our department able to cover the position for the time being. So I am running on barely any sleep. I’m tired! But I’m here. I take time out of my nights' rest and my sleep to hear your voice.
When you get home from work and before you went into the house to get ready for bed, you wouldn’t stay on the phone with me. OK yes, maybe because your phone is dying and you need to charge it, fine. BUT what about those other times when you were aggravated and exhausted, and all you wanted to do, was go in the house and freshen up and knock out so you can rest up for the next day. I DIDN'T MIND! BUT WHEN I GET HOME FROM MY AGGRAVATED AND EXHAUSTING F@#%#@G DAYS OF WORK, and when I haven’t gotten a chance to do anything, let alone close my eyelids, you call me at late hours and what I do, I don’t ignore your calls, I don’t send you to voicemail, NOOOOO, I ANSWER.
MIND YOU, Even after you said you didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night, I STIILLLLL PICKED UP the phone after that.
Then you tell me you want to hear me talk, at the time where I DAMN SURE don’t have anything to say, especially not to you anymore, but no I did. I wanted to tell you about my stressful day, I wanted to release my pain. I have a mother who I can’t stop crying and who chooses or refuses to eat. I barely have the necessities to keep our asses afloat in the house. Stressed out about money and bills and food and it's like as soon as we start to move open one “door” the next one starts to close. Or better yet when one wall has been repaired the other starts to crumble down into nothing. Some maybe not completely nothing but everything is surely tumbling fast. But no I can’t express any of this with you. It seems I can't open my heart to you.
Because need I remind you with your own words mix with my own that, you let people see what you want them to see. You make people think and believe that you’re this happy person beyond 24hrs and 7days a week because you don’t stop. You don't stop to show them the reality of how you really feel. The truth, the pain, and the suffering that you constantly have to cover up, day in and day out, and just when you start to feel a piece of that mask slip off your face, and you feel that you’re not strong enough to uphold it, you drown your sorrows in affection and into the addiction to prevent the affliction, behind all of that so call joy nothing more than a fake rose with real thorns. The petals won't fade but to get close it’ll send you pain.
But you say you know me right or better yet that you see me for the real me during the times that I can’t see myself when I’m not looking in the mirror, you claim to see me, Or do you see what you show me.
But see then, when I do speak on this or even express these words that come from within, I can never finish. You always have to correct, prove, or manage what I just said. But when I cut you off you tell me to just listen, “SHUT THE F#%K UP AND JUST LISTEN”, to be exact.
See you know it all because you’re always right.
Wrong, No!
You know it all because you won’t go through it twice, so you’re right.
You turn my back because you’ve already seen what’s there. You close your ears because words are paired, that’s why they are phrases. And you’ve heard it all before so what really changes.
You want to talk about someone who feels your pain or knows what you're going through, but baby I’d be the first to say I do.
But yet I’m expected to sit still and don’t say a peep. So how am I supposed to talk but I can’t speak. I’m not just some girl with a remote or a command key. I’m not here to serve you and I will not choose to sit still and just “look pretty”, who says “yes babe” and “no babe” but right now that’s the role I'm told to play. Put my feelings away and just be there for you. Mind you, you are a huge part of my pain and I am constantly there for you but where are you in return. But since this is the role I’m told to play, fine ok, but don’t come back to the game to play, to find that it has been cleared away.
And oh GOD, forget about it, it’s not even a fight with you anymore. I refuse to fight with you. It’s more of a let down with you because there are so many misunderstandings left and right. So I suppose now's the time you look down at me and I suppose I need to look high of you. Interesting seeing as we’re in this relationship together and we’re supposed to work together and communicate and look at each other as equal but you don’t. You’re not above it all and you're not over it at all. You only know what she has put you through and it’s not even from what you just went through. It’s from all the childish things the one before has put you through and because I am below you, and or because I am younger then you, I have supposed similar tendencies but IM NOT HER. BUT YOU SO CALLED SEE ME RIGHT?
You’re vulnerable yes, but yet I’m bleeding and feel no pain. I’m hurting yet I shed no tears. I’m bruised but my skin still shines and my head held high. And yet I stand and fight for you, for us, but I have no army nor shields to protect our sides.
Yes, when one of us is down the other is supposed to pick them up. But what happens when one has been down and the other has fallen? So as I am, I hold you up on my shoulders. Then what happens when you finally can see, past all the pitch black, the hate and misery? Will I be left to pull myself up? Eventually.
I refuse to stay down, I refuse to be disrespected. I love you but if this is what I am given for the price of being with you, I can't. Then what, next I’ll be looked at just like the rest. Some weak b!#%h that had many insecurities and always "plays the victim" as you said, Who is nothing more than just like what you’ve been through, except I’m just more of a disappointment to you.
But then if I move differently and I slowly slip away and move in silence, would you even know the difference? Would you even care or would you care when you noticed and by then I’ve gone missing. My love would have been buried away underneath the acceptance to the hurt and the pain. Nothing new, just thought how I feel and what I think would be different with you. The issue of this all is that I shortly expressed this to you, (my last love), once before but if you couldn’t read all that I wrote, why to only reply with just an ok. Making me think you read what I've said from my heart, but you said you didn’t even bother to read it.
If I can’t even get you to understand A QUARTER Not Even A Fraction, A QUARTER of this message or even of how I feel, even if eventually you do seem to get it, would it even phase? Would it all even matter or will it be too late? Will this just be another bruised scar to my psychosis, my insecurities, my insanities, or how about my anxiety and depression that constantly hangs over me.
So for you to say that and for me to feel the way that I feel how am I supposed to act. But it was bad timing so again I have to put my feelings aside and by the time I even get to tell you this, It won’t even matter because the time that I did tell you this, I was considered as being selfish for not putting you first when you need me the most. I needed you too. My mind just constantly runs and I constantly feel like I’m drowning when it’s only a flood.
But Yes we have best friends that we can talk to and go to but, they aren’t the ones I want to come home to, even at the end of it all. It’s just you. And it pains me, it’s killing me, to feel myself fading away. To feel myself going deeper in my bad headspace, and as I hold you past the mist of pain, or at least try, would you still be there or will I be left high and dry.
_This is my story, this is my truth. *T.M.O
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I’m sorry. You deserve more. Sometimes loving someone isn’t enough and that hurts the most. (I really want you to know that I read your entire post.. I am not sure why but I thought knowing that would make you feel better, I hope it does)
ReplyThank you. I appreciate your kind words. Honestly, I didn't believe anyone would read my post because of how long it is. If you'll accept, I'd be willing to speak with you more. My Instagram is t.m.o_21
ReplyI’m sorry but I’m not really on any social media.. messes with my head too much
ReplyI agree.
Reply