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5 months ago · · Grief
Im struggling with feelings of anger and hate. Frustration and a long year where I shut myself out from the world.
Ive gone to no help groups just locked myself away feeling worthless and like a piece of meat who cant help anyone.
A year ago I voluntered to help at a church function tonhelp the homeless. Ive almways helped in any way that i could. Ive even gotten sonehonless people some jobs from the inner cities.
So it turns out the church canceles the event for anreazon that i dont remember. I thought guilty about it and decided to go myself and walk thebstreets handing out food.
I got lost and asked for directions.
Next thing i know im down a very shady street and i noticed a group a men walking toward me.
I started to run in a single direction. They chased me down to behind an abandoned building. One man hit me over the head with somethinf but it didnt knock me out.
Next thing i know 3 men were holding me down. I couldnt scream but when i fell i hit my neck/throat amd nothing would come out but air. As i was being held down a man approached me fromt the from and was trying to tear my pants off as i continued to kick like mad. Out of the shadows a coupke other men held my legs down and tore off my pants.
My mind try to go somewhere else but i coudlnt even leave my own mind.
All i remeber wwere the sounds of him breathing hard and eventually screaming. I hated myself for no fault of my own in any way of giving him pleasure. One after the other another man was enter me same thing. Theyd pant and breath heavily then climax. I hated myself each time for existing, if that even makea sense. My hatred for life grew as they finally left me there alone, each one of them dissapearing into the night. I was raped no less than 12 different men. I passed out on the steps of the first house i came across.
I woke up in the hospital badly beaten and at that point had no sympathy for the world or societity.
All inwanted tondo was give people a step up, a little something to help them get througb the day. And i was seen merely as a way to fullfill a carnal need for thag moment in time. I still hate myself for everything about that day.
I write this story now because ibjust found out that i am pregnant. And i am going to kewp the baby, it was no fault of the baby for how he was made.
But ibdo think that ill live alone for now, ibdont even trust anyone right now.
That me thats my story