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5 months ago · · Depression, · Explicit
I don't control anything anymore, it literally is not in my control. I'm numb, I'm always so fucking numb. I think to much but then again I don't think at all. My mind will race with literal deadly thoughts and then I'll just be staring at the wall, blank. I want to die but I would never dare do it myself. I've attempted which was 5 years ago and I'll never forget realizing what I did to everyone around me. The ones I thought could care less but here I am again, thinking they could care less and I keep pushing it out of my head but it always slips right back in. Everything would just stop if I wasn't here to deal with it. I don't tell anyone these things, I could never fucking do that. The way people look at me now is enough for me to keep my mouth shut. I do imagine myself dying though-what it would feel like, how I would die, where I would be, who I would be with if anyone. It isn't healthy but I can't help it. I'm at the point that if I were to get hit by a car and die it would be okay because then it wouldn't be me at fault for hurting the ones around me, they wouldn't be mad at me. It's selfish I fucking know. I don't know if you've ever been swimming and you're at the bottom of the pool and you know you're running out of time before you need another breath but you stay down there for another moment. Then realization hits you that you really need to reach the surface. That split second of fear before you reach the top where you think you're going to take a breath intake before you reach the top but you don't and once you break the surface and you breathe in gasping you feel relief flood over you? I'm stuck in the fear spot, the spot where you are truly going to suffocate and you're mind starts spinning and you can't see straight. I'm scared and I've been scared but it's like I almost don't care. The numb feeling takes over and I'm just there. I'm just here, I'm literally just here on earth being nothing but a waste of a very small amount of space. I almost feel not human like I don't even have a soul. I'm just a body living on this earth with no intentions or goals of anything.