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5 months ago · · Silence,
Does anyone else find the silence deafening? It sickens me. I have had tv shows, podcasts, YouTube videos and music playing through my earbuds or into the open air for about 90% of my life since March of 2018. Before that is a haze, I was involved in a detrimental lifestyle for about a year prior to that date. Back to the point. There are good days when my phone will stop playing and I can just sit and think and feel comfortable - those are the days when the silence is welcoming. Right now I'm on the edge. I'm occupied writing this, I have one earbud in (which muffles the atmosphere) and nothing is playing on my phone. But most of the time, I can't stand the silence because without a story playing in my head all I can hear is screaming. There's just an absolute racket in my head. I can always tell when I need to put them back in. It frustrates me so much that I'm like this because those days when I can just sit in the silence I tend to experience really wonderful things. Like just last night - it was actually a bittersweet victory that I wasn't listening to anything- I was crying and self deprecating. But right then and there while I was writing down all the reasons I was an embarrassment to the world my pen stopped. I heard my mom call my name. I knew only I was hearing it. It was like she was telling me to stop, I didn't have to do this. My mother was an incredibly loving woman. I just got to feel her presence in the quiet. I think about this and laugh for it's irony sometimes, but my mom used to say something to me like " you have to learn to be still (in the silence)" . That's what she told me she learned to do when her mother passed away... I think about that a lot. It's not that my mind goes blank listening to whatever is playing on my phone. It's just that if it goes to far I have something to pull me out before it turns to chaos again. It's like in Insidious when the kid ties the rope around his waist and goes into the further. Anyways... hi.