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So, a week ago (on Monday and Tuesday), I was at a camp for my church. Now, we do this camp every year. I've done it twice now, but this year (my second time), they changed everything, from the schedule, to the very location. The camp was a boy scout camp, so of course it was HUGE (because they have to go on, like, 20 mile hikes). We were using it for 'Girl's Camp', which is when all the girls from around 12-18 come up and spend a couple days together, doing activities and church things, and we don't do long hikes, because it's more church centered than nature centered. But, again, this place was huge, and it was at least a 5-10 minute walk in between nearly EVERYTHING, up steep hills and rocky/muddy areas. Not to mention, this place was infested with gnats. As in, you literally CONSTANTLY had gnats in your hair, ears, eyes, and all over your clothes. If you moved your hand, you pierced a cloud of like 200 of them. And let me tell you, I do NOT do outdoors. But at the same time, I am usually a very calm and put together person (on the outside) in public. I have a horrible fear of embarrassing myself in public, so I rarely show emotion other than happiness in public (or, like, neutrality). But on the second day (after my tentmate and I had found multiple huge, possibly wolf spiders in our tent and had to move the night before), we were doing all of these outdoor activities, and my legs hurt from the walking, and the gnats were horrible, and I am terrified of all bugs, and I had to go on a hike, and they (my mom was there) told me that I had to go on it (they said I had to try, but then a different leader didn't let me go back). So I was walking, and everyone around me was laughing and seemingly having a great time, and I was surrounded by bugs and plants that could have been poison ivy and nettle (they were there, I just didn't know exactly where, so that added to the fear and stress), and I genuinely felt like I was going to die or something. Like, I couldn't focus on anything except what I was doing and how much I hated it, and I literally felt like I would rather die than be there. I don't know how to describe the feeling, only that it's similar to what I've heard people describe anxiety as. I don't even remember it that well, just that it was the worst feeling ever (it was similar to how I feel before going onto a stage, because I have what I consider to be some of the worst stage fright ever, but different at the same time). I mean, like, I wasn't scared, per say. I was just...overwhelmed, I guess. I could only think about everything bad, and how much I wished I wasn't there, and I started crying. I don't cry in public. I haven't cried (as in, had actual tears going down my face) in public for as long as I can remember. If I get hurt in public, I ignore the pain. If I get angry, I hold it in. If I get sad, I don't really cry anyway, but I still resist. The only instances where I've even gotten close to crying in public are the ones where I get too overwhelmed.
I wasn't bawling or anything, and I don't think anyone noticed (I was near the back), but it was the feeling, as well as the fact that I actually cried, that confuses me. I'd never been like that before, and it went away just a few minutes later. A mild version of the feeling was there both days, and Wednesday (the boys came up and we did something called Youth Conference with them), but nothing that extreme.
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ReplyYep.. Sounds like anxiety, maybe a mini panic attack. You might want to ask a doctor about it if it gets worse.
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