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I was always a hopeless romantic since I was a young girl and I was in love with love.
However, as I got older I realized love was not what I always expected it would be and that was because i was looking for love in the wrong places.
I was never lucky when it came to searching for meaningful relationships, romance and finding a "true" love to begin with. I would also get into things that were more destructive towards me than doing me any good as a young girl.
I was still hopeful and for someone who is stubborn but naturally a hopeless romantic, that was a very hard pill to swallow at the time.
I was optimistic for the time being until it was getting me into trouble, by putting me in situations that were damaging and hurtful. Especially, bad when I really liked a guy and hoped it could of went further. When you are young, you don't always realize that teenage boys want one thing and sometimes they would be manipulative to get it.
They see an innocent young girl that is interested and use that to their advantage, not all were like that but many were. Don't forget some of the guys that I encountered in my life were alot older than me and i was much younger. I was too forgiving and believed to much in seeing the good in other people, that has changed since then too.
Don't get me wrong,i did fool around and had fun with no strings attached. I did enjoy the lust that I experienced and for someone that young it was not right. Clearly, there was and is something wrong with me, but how was I suppose to know at the time. I lost my virginity when I was 14 years old turning 15 and that is still fairly young. Parents split, did not have much of anyone around to guide me and had depended on my friends. When I really liked someone, it was alot more difficult to not get attached to them and not fall for them after being so vulnerable.
There were times deep down that I wanted something meaningful and pure.I was naive and blind sided by the idea of love and romance at a young and niave age. Some experiences were reckless, I wasn't careful enough and I payed for it gravely. It tore me to pieces. Definitely one of the hardest and disappointing decisions I have ever made in my life.
I was fell into a depression and got out of it on my own.
As I was getting older, apart of me still was hopeful to find love and I thought I did in my last long term relationship of 7 years. I for some reason have bad taste in guys, go for a more destructive and toxic direction. My longest relationship was a nightmare because it caused and brought more trouble. It did some hefty damage towards me that I am still affected by and suffer from til this day.Took time for me to get out of it and managed to love myself more to not put up with any abusive guys.
That was the end of that relationship but of course I got into something else destructive, even though I knew better but I could not help it.
I have done something in the past that would be considered morally wrong. I had no intentions to hurt anyone but I did and for that I was deeply sorry. Any wrong doing really cannot be taken back and you have to live with it.
It was not the most logical choice I ever made at the time. I have gotten "punished" by others for it very harshly and without any mercy.
I was humiliated, slandered being called a whore and alot more. These people scrutinized and dehumanized me for it like I was some malicious criminal.
I am a human being that unfortunately has alot of problems because of my past. I am not a monster, but people did not care about how they were hurting me and ruining my life.
People did not do anything to help but instead brought me down.
I could say people were too quick to judge me and misunderstood me entirely. I cannot control what others do but I can control what I will and will not accept.
Things happen unexpectedly as always. I did gradually become more intense and eventually I fell in love. It felt nice to be loved, wanted, respected, appreciated and having someone who actually gives a shit about who you are. Who takes an interest in you than what they can get from you. To be treated more than some easy piece of meat and something on the side to be used whenever it was convenient for someone else. To perhaps be with someone who actually will put the effort in showing they have good intentions towards you. I wanted to be treated right for once and the way I deserved to be treated. I was never a bad person to be treated otherwise but that is life for you.
I wanted to feel good again, to be admired and loved by the right person. Someone who could possibly offer that to me and it so happens that they were looking for the same thing. It was never my intention to "take" away from someone else, besides I did not forcefully take something away and i was not seeking out for it either. It just happened unexpectedly.
I took responsibility as I always have done for all my wrong doings, even if people treated me like a piece of shit for my mistakes and bad choices.
There is so much more to me and my story that people do not know about at all. People think they know everything about me and what I have gone through. They do not have a fucking clue about what I have been put through in my life and how much it has effected me today. All people could do and say is I am a bad person because of this or that etc...
There is obviously more to a person than the faults people like to point out. What about the good that I have done for others? How often I gave the benefit of the doubt, supported, loved without restriction and be forgiving towards those,to then only get slapped in the face afterwards?
It is tiring to be treated so badly by others,taken for granted and being taken advantage of. You can barely ask for anything and you have to suffer from unfortunate circumstances.
Life can be very unfair like that.
As always, I have learned from my experiences, grew up and moved on.
There is still so much more for me to learn from even as an adult and many things that I need to work on.
What I wanted was to love, be loved and respected at the end of it all.
My intentions were always meant for good and still are.
_-J
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