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Just trying not to die *2
4 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
#This is an edit/update on the original post.
This is going to be a weird one I'm going over lots of topics all of which are unrelated and really quick.
Yesterday (28/04/18) I sent a picture I shouldn't have to this girl I really like. Turns out she's a bitch and was playing me to find out stuff. And now I'm scared she's going to expose me and that's not what I need right now I've got exams in a couple of weeks. And this is just adding on to my depression and suicidal thoughts.
A couple of years ago I was nearly killed by my stepdad and the only reason I'm alive today is because of my sister she got a knife held it to his right behind his heart and said let go or I'll push. The worst thing is my mum just stood there and watched and didn't do anything she just stood there and watched her stupid fucking Asian tv. This is why I'm not close to my mum and I don't think I can ever forgive her. And this also kicked started my suicidal thoughts/ psychotic thoughts more on this later.
A couple of months ago my ex broke up with me and it was my fault because I lied to her and tbh I don't even know why I did it was over something small and stupid. And at first, I felt guilty then after a couple of weeks that went away. When I found out that she passed away & it's all my fault. She went on holiday with her friends to Morrocco and they were going jet skiing and she called me so she could have an excuse not to go out. But I made up a story saying I was busy and couldn't talk. Now I feel guilty and that it's all of my fault cause it is. If I just talked to her then she wouldn't have gone out and she would still be alive today hating my guts.
Now a couple of years ago my old ex who I did so much for and my best friend who I considered my brother had a fling and I was calling it out for weeks and my friends were saying no he wouldn't do that and she wouldn't do that. Turns out they both did. This hurts the most because we were perfect together she was my Harley quin to my joker she was my iris west to my Barry Allen (sorry for all the DC references). Or at least I thought she was. After this, I tried to kill myself several times but my best friend found me and stopped no one knows he did I convinced him I not too tell my mum or anyone. Once it worked but the paramedic brought me back. Back to what I said about doing so much for her, we started to date when I was 12 and dumb. I got a job in a kebab shop working 12 hours a day 6 days a week for £3 an hour. And with that money, I spent most of it on her I got her a new phone, laptop and I would give her money to go out and do shit and before work I'd go to her house run her a bath put her clothes and towel in the dryer so they'd be warm when she got out, then I'd cook her favourite meal stir fry noodles, kiss her goodbye and go work. And of course, since my life is shit she also passed away.
Now the most fucked up thing of all my mum the person who is supposed to love me no matter what tried to put me up for adoption and even left me in an Asda once so I'll be someone else's problem. Can you believe that she considered me her problem?
Now then the months of March to April where by far the worst for me this year. I fell in love with this girl and was finally happy after being a grumpy piece of trash and then she left. Just out of the blue one day decided to block me on all social media platforms and not even tell me why.
And now I'm talking to this girl and I'm falling in love with her and I don't even know if she feels the same way and it's killing me inside and she doesn't know and I don't think she cares.
Now back to my mum she is the laziest most hypocritical person on Earth. She expects me to do everything around the house, she wants me to cook, clean, pick my little sister from school, feed her, bathe her and get good grades at school oh and get a job and pay rent. Like WTF. She can do this shit her self but no she wants to go out with her fucking friends and spend her benefits money on restaurants and dumb shit on her iPad and then complains to me about not having any money and not being able to pay the bills. And I did try to do all that you know, cook, clean, feed my little sister, work and get good grades but I couldn't I had to drop something and she didn't let me drop any of the unimportant stuff no she wanted me to drop college. So I did for 1.5 months I didn't go college I worked 3/4 days a week 10 hours a day for £4.20p/h and I'm sure you know £42 a day or £168 a week isn't enough. So when I eventually went back to college I had to drop some shifts and got fired. And now she's shocked that I turned to drugs as an escape. Honestly, it's not as bad as you think all I do is smoke a bit of weed here an there. Surprisingly it helps. When I'm high I forget about all of my problems and I'm finally calm and at peace.
As you can tell my life is shit and I should just end it. I bet if I did no one would care. I mean sure my family will cry and my friends would probably be upset or mad but that 'pain' would go away after a while. Sure my school will have an assembly in dedication to me and talk about suicide awareness but after a week or two they will forget me and I'll just be a suicide stat forever and ever.forgton
#Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors it's 2 AM and I'm knackered.