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8 months ago · · Depression,
I never really understood depression or anxiety or any other of the plethora of mental health illnesses until I myself because part of them. I don’t know what this is. I feel trapped in my own head and wherever I try to move the next thought pops up and drains the life out of me. My head feels like it’s about to burst and I can’t stop crying. Nothing has set it off, or at least nothing proportional to the pain. That’s the central element. The pain. In my chest, in my head, in my literal and actual heart. I can’t see how life is ever going to get any better. As far as I can tell I’m always going to be here in this trap. A prisoner of my own mind. Getting bled by my own demons. I can feel the insanity get to me. I can feel it pounding in my head. There are so many moments when I can feel it in my head. In my core. I want out. The madness is so bad I might just kill myself to see the pain I cause others. I’ll make a show of it. Do it somewhere the people I want as audience can see it. I want to see the pain in their eyes as my soul leaves my body. The madness is so bad I think that’s when I’ll be happy. I want to hurt her. I can’t think of any other reason I’m in such acute pain. Even if she isn’t the reason I can’t think of any other. I can’t think of ever being peaceful as long as she’s in peace. I hate her. I can’t stand her. The madness is so bad I could kill myself to punish her. I know this is probably just a dark hour. That this hour too shall pass. But these hours are darker than I can take. I don’t want to live like this. Even after they pass they come back. They always come back. More often than ever. I wish I wasn’t so alone. I wish I didn’t have so much anger and hate inside me. I wish at the age of 19 I didn’t think of wanting to die. But I do and the madness is so bad that I think this is it.