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Welp time to restart...
5 months ago · · Drug addiction, · Explicit
I track my habits on an app, and most of the time I dont do to well with most of the them. I track normal things like going to the gym everyday, no self harm, no alcohol that day and almost every day I fail these tasks😂.
But there was one habit I was really proud of, like really really proud of. For 2 years I had been addicted to painkillers/prescription meds. I had tried time and time again to quit and then I met someone who turned my lonely little world upside down. He was the thing that kept me going he stuck by me in the hard times and celebrated through the good. I could always go to him when I had a craving and I did. He finally helped me get clean, 71 days!!! He recently went off to university, I'm still in high school (soon to be graduated) I still talk to him but were in completely different time zones now, I think it's something like 5 and a half hours time difference.
Last night was really hard, I've come to the point where I can't remember what I used to do when I felt like shit, I used to just get high (well I probably just self harmed). After years of trying to get clean I finally did, but I threw it away. I threw it all away to pass out in the bath tub and not even remember what I'd done. It did occur to me what I'd done until I go to track my habits this morning. And almost all of them were marked off unsuccessful. No alcohol, marked off as unsuccessful. No gym, unsuccessful. No drugs... unsuccessful.
It feels terrible to look at that screen and not be able to take it back cuz I've done it. I watched that 71 roll right back to zero. I don't know what I'm going to say. I had gone around my school my friends my social media telling people I was 60 days clean be proud of me now time to do 90... what am I gonna tell them when I go back to school and I'm only there with 40 days or whatever I have.
I dont want to start again. You know if there are any time travellers out there help a girl out would ya.